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2010-03-21 22:39:35 (UTC)

A Song

I find myself sitting down to write a song with a blank mind. This always
happens. It seems like I used to be able to just write music so easily and so
naturally. The words would just come to me. Now I choke. I choke on my
words. They are blocked in my brain. Maybe I have them locked up in the
back to use for later. I wonder if all of my memories are stored in my brain,
from day one. There is no way I could recall every instance in my life. I can
play it back but I know it’s not completely accurate. My mouth fills with
saliva as I try to produce words, but that’s all I get. A big wad of saliva. And
no one wants to hear about that. It’s not substance. I need something to
write about. Something that other people can relate to. What can I come up
with. Come on brain, work with me. I could do a story song where I tell a
story. I could talk about a person I know. I’ve known many people in my life.
I could do one of those songs with a double meaning where the listener has
to interpret the song. But how can I mask a song. Maybe it’s because I am
neither happy nor sad right now. No overflowing thoughts of emotion. Just
blah. Tranquil. Ecstasy has depleted my brain. Maybe I need to smoke some
weed to come up with something brilliant. Weed makes me think more
deeply. Some times I think too much about something. I’ve been having a
lot of dreams lately. Actually every single night. I’m trying to recall last
night’s dream. I was in the shower and people were watching. And I was
afraid. Why were there people watching me in the shower?? So strange. I
just wanted to take a shower alone, but I had no choice because the people
were all around. I was surrounded by society. Maybe what that means is that
I feel like I have no privacy anymore. That all of me is out there for the world
to see. I used to have a secret life. A part of me that only I knew about. In a
way I think some of it ate away at me. I don’t like everyone to know
everything about me. I like to be somewhat mysterious. I wonder what it
feels like to have a split personality. I sometimes wonder if more people have
split personalities. For instance, when I’m drunk I become another person. I
may not say I have a different name, but I almost to a point become someone
else. Sometimes I find my life boring. Maybe it’s just me getting older and
settling down. I miss the excitement and spontaneity that my previous life
had. I really put myself in a lot of bad situations though. I did a lot to my
body. The drugs and alcohol. I wonder what my brain would be like if I had
never done drugs at all. If maybe I would have more memory and talk faster
and think faster. I’m trying to remember what I was like pre-drug days. Did I
talk fast? I don’t think so. Was I smart did I remember things? Yes I’m pretty
sure I did. I got good grades. Although I still struggled with tests. So
maybe the drugs didn’t do anything to my brain. And what’s up with the
massive headaches lately. Is that just me getting older? I have so many
questions and no one to answer them for me. Why do I have lumps in my
neck that hurt so bad? Is it cancer? Should I be worried? Regardless of if I
should be worried, it’s safe to say that I am worried. My dreams tell me that
I’m worried. My dreams are my psychologist. I look to them for answers.

I look to my dreams for answers
So many questions unanswered
I am frightened
I feel like I am just waiting for something bad to happen
I can almost feel it.
It’s as if I’m in a bubble, just waiting for someone or something to pop it.
I know it can and will happen any day now.
I just want to be prepared when it does happen
You know when everything is going right in your life
They say it happens when you least expect it
Life turns
There really isn’t much I can do to prepare for the worst
I think my dreams reveal fear
I’m afraid of something
It might be death
Or someone else’s death
So many things could happen
I wish I could just wipe my worry slate clean
I need to stop worrying.