simply me

my wee diary
2010-03-19 00:40:24 (UTC)

thursday .

another day to add to my life , another learning curve .
i am surviving , my legs are so sore tonight , played
football tonight on a terrible surface and my achilles are
just about gone , i'm wrapping myself in cotton wool and
it's a waste of time , it's so frustrating
i travelled across europe playing different sports , i'm
blessed with physical ability and it's deserting me, it's
an amazing sensetion when you realise you cant do what you
use to take for granted , i do accept it and challenge
it , i can't hold on to it for ever but i'm trying , gone
are the days when a run was ten miles and it felt like
two , god i could run , i could do anything, run swim
train , if i do say so myself i was up there . i remember
training in europe with european champions and world
champions , what a feeling to mix it with the cream , and
no be too out of place , i wasn't the most skillful but my
god i had heart. heart , attitude and belief .
there wasn't a sport i couldn't compete at , represented
my country at two different sports and would have made it
if my legs hadn't giving up on me ,

thats what i call character building , and never once
did i fall from grace .
i've learned the true test of life , to touch your
dreams and never fulfill them , i'll always remember mr
consultant telling me it was over , have to say though i
never listened to him , and i wonder why i can hardly run
a mile without the pain now,
pain . it's a constant fight , my legs , my knees , my
heart , my head , my arms
i live in pain. i'm so used to it .
once had 3 x rays done on my elbow after hitting a
wall playing soccer , my arm swelled up the size of two ,
my hand throbbed and turned black, i couldn't touch my
nose with my hand , the pain at night was unforgetable , i
can only describe it like hot scalding water poured over
my skin but i never missed one day at work , i couldn't
sleep for pain , i never even took a pain killer ,
doctors ,doctors , one told me i had a double fracture
and two never told me anything , and another mr just sent
me for an mri . i still haven't heard .. doubt i'll hear
now, i've sorted myself , i'm my own super healer .
i just find different ways to get through the day .
i wonder what my last day will be like , will i be
smiling because i've won , i think so , i always win ,
even when the gods are against me , i feel everything and
everyone has conspired against me .
you could cut my arms , cut my legs . i'll stare you
down . my will is who i am .
my body will not defeat me . no one will defeat me , i
decide when i'm beat , i maybe slowing but i'll never
stop , my mind will always run through brick walls , even
if it's ten miles thick .
my soul will be right behind it .
i love my life , life is struggle and struggling builds
character and survival instinct , i've struggled all my
life , always been one step from poverty and survived and
kept one foot in front of another.
i don't envy anyone with an easy life , when the chips
are down they just crumble , i may be lonely sometimes
but i know what living is ,i'm built to survive ,
i'm a lucky guy who can still smile . no matter how
much i fall to bits .




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