suzmasg

Wish I was 2 people
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2010-03-18 02:11:12 (UTC)

3-17-2010

Okay so anyhow we got married on the beach on 7-7-07. And
this is the same man that said he would not have anymore
kids - we went to conseling together and then he said he
wanted to make me a mother. So long story short we went
to Europe to have IVF because he has a vasectomy -
remember no more children. So now we have a beautiful
baby boy - he is the most amazing thing ever - i love
being a mother more than anything. Matt, my husband is
loving it too - i think he surprised himself. But in
Semptember something crazy happened -
The unthinkable happened - if someone was to tell me I
would be the one who would out of the relationship I would
have told you - you were totally nuts. I love Matt to
pieces - he is everything I ever wanted in a man and he
has made all my dreams come true BUT
When I was 17 years old and in 11th grade I fell deeply in
love with a guy name Joel. I use to go down to a friend of
mines house name Jack in the hopes of just seeing him - I
did not tell anyone I liked him - because kids are so
mean - depending on who you tell - they had the ability to
be like ohhhhhh you like Joel and I can not stand people
picking on me or drawing attention to myself. So I did
not tell anyone and he never knew how I really felt. Life
passed on.....and life happened.....then he found me on
Facebook - and then we been talking on IM pretty much
everyday since September. Our feelings are just growing
stronger everyday - we both feel the same about the other -
we are in similar situations. There is nothing easy
about the place we are both in. He is married to Barbara
with a daugher named Lucy and a son coming in April which
they are naming JJ. I am married with a son named Byron.
We really have gotten to know each other since Sept, we
talk about our feelings to great depths. We both wish to
be together sometime in our near future.
here is where the heartache comes for me - I never wanted
to be the one who hurt Matthew - he is perfect - he works
hard so I can be a stay home mother to Byron. He provides
me with everything. We are going on a cruise with my
family in September for my mothers 60th birthday.
dont forget the whole reson why he didnt want to have
anymore kids was because he does not want to feel the
heartache of loosing another child like he did before.
this sucks.....totally....we have one life to live....and
i believe heart and soul I am supposed to be with joel
until my dying day comes. Joel is the one who makes my
heart skip a beat everytime we get to talk.
We are miles apart but never very far from each others
thoughts.
I wish I could tell Matt - hey listen we got to talk about
something that might seem a little bit as a shocker.
Every since I have given birth to Byron, I been feeling
like something is missing for me between the two us - cant
really finger point it but would like us to try a
separtation to see if I can get that passionate feeling
back. I just feel like something is missing for me. You
are my friend - and always will be....I know right now you
are hurt but I just dont want us going through our life
like a routine.....I can keep going on like this but it is
not fair to you or me. I would like to go up to PA and
hopefully clear my head and come to some conclusions. If
you love something set it free if it comes back it was
meant to be yours if not it never was yours in the first
place. As far as Byron - I do not want one red cent - if
anything put $50.00 in a bank account a week and that is
for airline tickets and whatever he needs - otherwise that
is for him when he gets older. I plan on getting a job
and providing everything. I also plan to move to Florida
to be closer to you so you can see your son whenever you
want. I want you to have the house and everything in it.
The vechiles are yours.
god the disappoint look on his face is something I could
do without in this lifetime.

I can not help how much I love Joel. I think about him as
I go to sleep - I think about his the minute I wake up in
the morning. He is my soul mate - without a doubt in my
mind.

This whole situation is a mess.


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