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2010-03-16 12:46:08 (UTC)

Where to Begin...

All these thoughts and feelings have been pent up inside of me. These
feelings of contradiction are threatening to tear me up inside. Insomnia has
started to haunt me. Perhaps it's more of a taunt than a haunt. I can't escape
into a sweet sleep. My mind won't let me. I'm forced to face some sort of
decision yet it seems impossible. I feel as though people expect so many
great things of me, but I can't bring myself to do even one great thing. I'm
good at a lot of things, but great? I guess that implies some sort of
commitment to one path. Maybe that's what it comes down to. Fear of
commitment. I've theorized that the reason people fear commitment is
because they have a greater fear of failure. Failing at something you've
committed to might feel like a complete waste of time, energy and emotion. I
guess I am being held back by fear. I know I can be really good at a lot of
things. I actually am good at a lot of things. All these things are across a
broad spectrum too. But the one thing that I know I want to be great at is the
one thing I'm scared to try. I realize now the reason I've been scared is
because what if this is the one thing I can't do well? That would crush me. My
dream gone because I just can't be good at it. I've never been insecure about
my capabilities..well no that's a lie..only a couple of times I've doubted my
ability to learn and strive. Each time I was proven capable, very capable.
Those other times though were about insignificant things. If I didn't strive in
those particular areas I still would have been fine. But when it comes to my
dream if I don't have the ability I'm not sure what that would mean for me. I'd
almost rather not try than try and fail. It's cowardly, I know. At the same time
something inside of me is screaming to forget my dream, forget this world
I've made around me. Go run into the real world. Not this world of rules and
conformation, but into that world of self regulation. Far away from any
artificial light, and deep into the real light. Real light of the sun. True sound
of the wind. I've always felt this wild urge inside of me since I can remember.
Funny part is I've never thought I was an outdoorsy kind of girl. But
something inside of me yearns for nature and all it's unpredictability. I won't
have to answer to anyone but myself there. No one can give me the "what are
you going to with your life" speech. Wondering why I won't apply myself to
anything or rather applying a small part of myself to too many things. Is that
urge to leave all that stem from my cowardice? I guess I couldn't look at
myself in the mirror and say no. I would just be running away. I wouldn't be
running to anything. I wish with everything in my being that I could find the
courage to just reach out and grab my one dream. The thing is...it's a rather
big dream. If I reach and miss my big dream then I fail big. I've never even
failed at something a little. I don't know if I have the strength to handle that.