All that is
On any given day, i live on an..
On any given day, i live on an 8. 10 is the strongest
intensity that pain can have, and I live on a 7,8. It
doesn't feel that way; it doesn't feel acute because that
is my default. then sometimes hope, or something or
someone comes along and makes that 8 a 4 or 5, and it
feels great, like a high and u come to rely on it even if
u don't know it. and i'm happy and everything is fine.
that feeling is rare for me. so when the source of your
high, you're number 5 is taken away you go back to 8 or
sometimes even a 10. except this time it's sharper.
so you get people like emerence who are always happy, and
you wonder why. it's because they live on a 3. that's
their default without the need for external influence and
you can see that. so when they loose something they had,
it doesn't fluctuate their well-being so much.
ben's bacl from afghanistan. i know cos he texted me. he
texted me about 2 weeks ago too. i deleted his number
after that dreadful night i spent at his, but i still
recognized it from the '318' ending. it said something
along the lines of "i keep thinking about the things we
did while i'm out here and wanna do so much more. any
ideas? i'm heading back soon x". didn't reply to it.
then today i get a message from him. I assume he assumed i
didn't receive the txt or i forgot to reply, cos he sent
exactly the same message today, before sending another one
minutes after saying "i'm back x"
again, i didn't reply. earlier on today i was in this
whole mental, emotional and sexual conflict within myself
about whether or not to reply. the attraction is sex. and
great sex too cos the likelihood is he's not had it since
he left. the off put is what follows after sex. and i know
that if i reply, it'll be very easy to get sucked back in,
and if i don't stop it now, then when will i? it's now or
possibly never (or until he finds another). I know he wont
just forget me like that tho. he's the relentless type.
he'll keep texting then maybe eventually call me (but only
very eventually.. i even read a past entry about him -
about the night i spent at his before he left, to try and
remind myself of how awful it made me feel. but reading
it, some parts of it were sexy and made me want him.
this will actually be harder than i thought - than just
deleting his number. cos the thing is, number deleted or
not, i still want a piece of him. still want a shot at
what might have been. still use him as the leading man in
my delusional escape fantasies..