Singleagain

Diary of a Break Up
2010-03-11 23:29:52 (UTC)

DAY 2 (March 9th)

I cried like a stupid baby yesterday when he admitted that
he's dating. I've known all along but the way he said it
just made it seem as if he had no idea how much those
words were hurting me. He said it was "a process of
elimination" that I had taught him that and that was what
he was doing. My heart crushed as he explain to me what
these women had. he said they were older, professional,
they know what they want. One of them even has her own
house ( BIG DEAL) He just made me feel so small. I felt so
stupid at that point. As I was going down the stairs I
just felt my whole world crush, to finally come to the
realization that no matter what I do or how hard I try, it
will never be good enough for him. I realized that it was
time to give up. No more efforts from my part, I decided
at the moment as tears came down my cheek and my breath
was taken from me that I needed to accept it for what it
was.

I didn't believe him this whole time he kept telling me
that he didn't love me anymore but at that moment for the
first time I let myself feel the pain of such hurtful
words. I know now he wasn't lying.

This whole time I had been making all these efforts to try
to in him back. hoping that he would realize how good I am
for him and he on the other hand has been making efforts
to go out with other women and to sleep with other women.
The thought of it makes my stomach turn. did what we have
mean nothing to him at all? does he really not miss me a
single bit? later on that day he called me while I was at
the gym and he explained to me what the condom in the
garbage was all about. He said that it paid for a call
girl ( A CALL GIRL!!!!) give me a break. how is that
supposed to make me feel. He would much rather sleep with
a complete stranger, a woman who sleeps with many man for
money, a dirty whore instead of me? I am really that
disgusting to him? He said that he hadn't had sex in a
while and felt the need. Why didn't he feel the need the
last 9 months we were together. Why didn't he even make
the slightest effort to touch me or make love to me. I
called his sister after that. I needed someone to talk
to, she's been a really good friend to me and I trust
her. She says that even she's noticed the change in him.
It is so hard to hide the sadness I am feeling at this
moment.

I decided to go out that night and had a great time,
although I had an emotional break down half way through
it, I was able to shake it off and continue with the
evening. I find myself thinking about him constantly, and
when I am not thinking about him I am dreaming of him or
talking about him. Thinking in my mind of a million ways
to get him back and now stopping myself from it. There is
no point :( I didn't even bother calling him all evening
but will admit that I kept checking my phone just to see
if maybe I had missed his call. He didn't call.


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