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2010-03-11 01:32:25 (UTC)


Well its March 11th 2010...I would hope that Im a bit more
mature than that shit I just read! Holy fuck! Its so weird
to read that, because those are the EXACT days that planted
the seed for my future which is now my present! That one
little kiss with Justin that I casually and almost
carelessly mentioned 5 years ago, turned into so much more
than I ever could have imagined. We've been together since
August 18th 2005.... so not too long after that little
drama I was writing about. I find it funny how I said
something about liking justin but something was telling me
to stay with jamey. Well I guess that something was just
timing. Had I let go of jamey at that time, I wouldve just
been with Justin mostly to create some jealousy, I wouldve
had to hang out with him down at johns house, things just
wouldnt have gone too far. Having let just a few more
months pass, events took place that led to justin going to
kansas for a little while and then moving in with me at my
moms. Its truly been the hardest, longest journey of my
life, but as the saying goes "everything happens for a
reason" and everything that has gone wrong, only seems to
make things more right. Everything that I had to go through
before meeting him led me to him and I wouldnt change a
thing. You cant truly appreciate any of the good things in
life unless you've had to struggle for them. 5 years,
numerous fights and nasty words exchanged, so many break
ups, so many tears...and yet I couldnt be more sure that he
is my soul mate. Nothing will overpower the amount of
smiles he has brought to my face, the amount of comfort I
feel when Im with him, the amount of trust I put in him in
telling him everything there is to know about me. In
reading the things I wrote in 2005, I would have to say my
frame of mind was just rediculous, so obviously the first
couple years of us being together, I was still growing,
learning, maturing, and I may have loved him in the sense
that I loved all my ex bfs before him. But now, love doesnt
even seem like strong enough of a word. I actually feel
silly saying something as simple as "I love you" to him. It
just sounds so casual, so meaningless. But im not one for
talking, especially sweet, so I have to work on that a bit
and figure out how to tell this man what he means to me!
Now thats my emotional update, as far as my physical
life... well justins been in prison for two years. Hes
getting out next week. We have an almost two year old son
together, kane. Kane is my little mini Justin! He reminds
me of him so much. I could never ask for anything better in
a baby, I love him to death. If I could combine all this
love and make a happy little family, I would do anything to
accomplish that. The problem is Justin isnt allowed to be
around me while hes on parole. In a sense, I would be okay
with them LIMITING our contact, but to tell us we just cant
be around eachother... just kills me, it really does. I
would love to have this year to get to know him again, to
have parole there to limit prevent us from just
jumping right back into everything... But Its looking like
we'll have very little contact this year, and then we'll
just jump into it all next year...and probably fall on our
faces. We NEED to get to know one another again, take
things slow, have fun.... Now I have all
these worries that he'll get sick of never being able to
see me,
he'll need a ride someday and ask cortney since she works
right near him... its just a big mess. This year is the
ultimate test for us I guess. Id have to say that it would
be pretty FUCKED UP, if I waited 2 years for him with
barely any contact, still love him this day as much as I
did before he left, if not more only for him to not have
the patience to get through this year with me. I dont know
what I would do. I love this man sooooo sooo much. And I
just dont see myself with anyone else. I made a mistake
while he was gone and got back with an ex from 9 years ago.
It was pure lonliness that got the best of me. I honestly
had NO interest in any man the entire time he was gone, and
then a few months before his release I got tied up with
this idiot Mikey.... I really think the reason it was him
that I "dated" is because I KNEW there was no future, I
KNEW he was a crackhead, a liar, a thief...would say
anything to get what he wants... I KNOW hes like that, he
always has been... but sadly he was there to cuddle (when
we werent fighting) and he was there to talk to (doesnt
understand a fucking thing I say).. I think it was just
some drama that I wanted, to pass some time. It doesnt
excuse it by any means, I wish so badly I could say I didnt
hurt justin at all while he was gone... but unfortunately I
fucked that up. He says its not a HUGE deal compared to the
things hes done to me, and he never actually asked me to
wait for him... But its still bad. I FEEL SO BAD. Since I
truly, fell deeeeeply in love with him, I have had no
interest in any other man. The times he left me for
cortney, I wanted so bad to be able to make him jealous,
but I couldnt think of a single fuckin person I even wanted
to be around. Im rambling.... and I need to be getting my
ass to bed. It sounds corny as all hell im sure, but I LOVE
sleeping these days, I go to bed early and wake up as late
as kane will let me, because I dream about so many
different scenerios when he gets out. Im not gonna lie,
most of them turn into nightmares, but In my head im
spending time with him and thats all that matters. Maybe
Ill write again before I turn 30 : ) -ME

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