Manic

Just Not Out Load
2010-03-08 19:22:31 (UTC)

Emotional Existance

Some days are worse then others. Some days I feel so little that I seek pain if
only to remind my body it exists. There are so many ways to hurt, and few of
them are particularly healthy. I have been through them all. There were times I
raked my nails over my wrists and watched my skin wrinkle over and the blood
tear where my eyes had failed. The worse thing for me, a manic, is to be utterly
emotionless. I don't understand it. It is as if I use all my emotional capacities to
love and hate and now... indifference. exhaustion. boredom. death. You would
probably think that being emotionless would be a welcomed change, but think
of it this way; there are two ways of existence (to a religious person like
myself), you can be alive, or you can be dead (and your soul being wherever
your soul goes when your body forsakes you). To be either is occupying, you
exist, you're thoughts are alive, your spirit is functioning in some world in
some way, but then the third option is to be neither. To be stuck in a coma, an
eternal sleep without relaxation, without work, without hate, without love, only
a shadow of existence in time. You don't have comprehendible thoughts, you
don't understand or possibly even hear others who may be talking to you.
You're existence is no where. To live would be just as much of a blessing as to
die, and if you could only create for yourself death, and therefore release from
your bodies cage, would you not die rather then be frozen in thought and
spirit? Sometimes life (love), is not enough to sway from indifference to
emotional. Some days in order to exist, emotionally, I must die.




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