Sera L Rose

Thought and Faith
2010-03-05 19:40:37 (UTC)

Being gay in a straight world with a complicated Girlfriend...

20 years old and I realize that I've been lying to myself
for 20 years. Standing in my first real college Gay-
Straight Alliance meeting and looking around, I realize
that I feel accepted. I realize that, for once, I'm not the
odd one out.

Dating guys always left me feeling unsatisfied and vaugly
dirrty. For years I wondered if I was asexual or if
unfavorable male attention at a young age had scarred me so
deeply that I'd never have a healthy relationship. I
wondered if I was gay, but dismissed it for a long time.
That sort of difference scared me to much to think about.

Don't get me wrong, I supported gays. I'd been fighting for
their rights as long as I could remember, but the idea of
being one isn't something I ever wanted to consider. What
would my parents say? My friends? My teachers? But all of
the changed in the blink of an eye.

There was no epiphany, no grand romance that convinced me.
I didn't have sex with a bunch of guys, or girls for that
matter, I just sort of sunk into the idea. A slightly
drunken game of spin the bottle and one tiny kiss cinched
it for me.

20 years old and I have my first girlfriend. I love her,
but navigating this particular ocean is scary and rather
frustrating. I'm looking for grand romance, sweet words
and thoughtful notes. What I got is a stubborn, reticent
often times dramatic 5ft tall enigma. I know it
sounds horrible. Why am I dating someone that has made me
cry? Someone thats often just as confused as I am? Believe
me, I know all of this.


Right now for example, I feel as though shes distant from
me. Sometimes I wonder if that will ever change. But, in
life, i've found that its
sometimes worth the pain and sacrafice to find out.

For whatever short comings she has, my girlfriend is
passionate and defensive. She protects me when she has to,
and tries to take care of me the best way she knows how.
Patience isn't my virtue, but it is hers....and she's
learning slowly, even if I don't think we'll ever be
completely on the same page.

I never promised her the world...but I'd like her to be a
part of mine. I guess maybe that is love isnt' it? Not
needing someone but wanting them...even when they drive you
crazy, piss you off and make you wonder why you feel for
them in the first place.

I'm 20 years old and I'm in love....inexplicable,
inconsievably, irrecovably.....and yes, I probably am
insane..

But who cares?




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