Sygmatus

Overdosing on Delusions
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2010-03-05 04:26:51 (UTC)

Alone, pt.2

I just want to know...Why me?
Why did God choose me to suffer in this way? I know,
that as a christian, It's not right for me to be
complaining about this of all things when I've been
blessed, greatly, in other ways. But I can't help BUT to
wonder...
As I stated before, I often feel that Im meant to be
alone. Im 21 years old, and I've never had a girlfriend or
been in a REAL relationship.
I've had several female friends in my lifetime and
they've all told that I'll find someone someday. Yeah.
It's a nice thing to say to someone, but is it really true?
Every girl I've talked to tells me that im handsome
and I have a great personality and all that. And(if I can
be mildly vein for a brief moment) I know Im in good
shape, I like to think im pretty muscular, I know im not
ugly, I also like to think Im smarter than the average
guy, and I can make almost anyone laugh if given a chance.
But I also know that being short and black puts me at a
disadvantage to most other guys when it comes to looking
for a mate. Yeah, every girl says they just want a man
with a good personality and all that jazz, but when
presented with one, they always choose to go with some
jerk who's just going to end up hurting them and leaving
them for the next best thing.
As I've stated in a previous entry, It seems that
everytime I try to hook up with a girl or build up enough
courage to ask her out(not an easy task for me), she
always finds someone else to get with...Just in time,
right?...It's happened with so much frequency that I can't
help but wonder if it's somekind of Divine intervention.
Just recently, I had gotten involved with a girl,
finally, who I felt a connection with. But to leave it
there would be kind of misleading. The whole time we were
dating, the relationship felt...not necesarilly one-
sided...but like...something was missing. I felt like I
was into her, more than she was into me. Which is really
strange by the way. She was everything I was looking for
in a girl: Cute, funny, Christian, cool, laid-back, into
the same stuff im into...And she told me that I was what
she was looking for in a man...But still, the relationship
felt like it was 50% me, and 45% her, with 5% just
missing. Despite a clear intrest in one another, It never
got romantic, we never kissed or anything. Well,
eventually, she broke up with me for the most mysterious
of reasons("We're too much alike" was one of them...also,
she threw me the "It's me, not you" card).
For the life of me, I CAN NOT figure out why that
relationship didn't work. Everything seemed to fit just
right, and yet, look what happened.
I see all my friends getting involved in these loving
relationships all the time. Hell, I have friends about to
get married. I have friends who cheat on their partners,
friends who lie and mistreat their partners...and yet
their still together. Me, Im an honest guy. If I found a
girl, I WOULD never do anything to hurt her. Even when I
was dating that one girl, I made sure I did everything to
let her know I had eyes only for her. And yet...here I
am...Is this my fate?


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