Overdosing on Delusions
2010-03-05 03:12:46 (UTC)


Oh man...this is weird, I know what I want to say, but
I don't know how...But I guess the best way is just to
shoot point blank.
I often times feel as if im going to be alone forever.
I don't know, It's weird. That was kind of a heavy opening
statement, but it's the God-to-honest truth. I really do
feel that way.
Im a 21 year old male and I can say this about myself:
I've never had a serious relationship, I've never had sex,
I've never even kissed a girl, and I STILL get nervous
whenever I talk to a girl like im 13 or something. In my 21
(almost 22 years) I've had ONE pseudo-girlfriend and she
broke up with me for reasons only known to her. She did
tell me though that she thought we we too much
alike...yeah...I don't know what that's supposed to mean
either. Oh, and this happened earlier this year by the way.
It seems to me that I was, or am, destined for this,
since everytime(Almost without fail) I show interest in a
girl, she almost always hooks-up with somebody else. Be it
her ex, some guy she's been flirting with for a while, or
just some other random guy. It's happened more than once,
and it hurts more and more every time. It's like a knife
has been put in my chest, and it twists more and more
everytime I experience this pain.
Not long ago, I met a girl through one of my college
classes who just blew my mind. Not only was she gorgeous,
she was cool as hell. Me and her have things in common
that I don't have in common with almost any other girl.
She laughed at my jokes, sat next to me in class, and all
of that corny stuff. I had been trying my best to let her
know that I liked her, but granted, im not good at this
game at all. I like to think it was being received well,
cause she at least entertained my advances. Well, whether
it was working for her or not, any idiot could see that I
liked this girl, and I was just ready to make my move. I
had finally worked up enough courage to ask her out...Oh
my god...The anticipation of seeing her again made me
crazy!. Well, I make it class and that's when the knife
went in. Straight to my chest. Turns out some other guy
had also been putting the moves on her the whole time as
well. I would try to talk to her by just making small
talk, telling a few jokes, and I would get minimal, if
anything, back as a response. This guy says "hello" and
she wants to know everything about him. After a few days
of this going on, I knew whatever chance I had was gone.
Before I knew what happened, they had become an "item".
For the first time in my life...I found someone who I
thought I had a real connection with. A girl who was
everything I had been looking for...a possibility...a shot
at love, something I had NEVER experienced before...and it
was stolen from me. Right out of my hand.
A knife...more like a bullet peirced my heart that
day. And the wound never really closed up, no matter how
much bandaging I would try to put over it. I see them
together, and it hurts more than anything. I try to put it
past me, but despite my best efforts I just can't. This is
killing me. Slowly.
And if that alone, her choosing him over me, wasn't
bad enough, I have to see them together almost every day.
We all have the same classes and I work with her at the
same store. If there was ever a more appropiate time to
use the phrase "Fuck ME"...The one good thing to come out
of this whole chapter(If you can even call it good,
because I feel like this won't last forever) is that we've
all formed out own little circle of friendship. Me, her,
her boyfriend and a few other people.
Well...time passes and I eventually got ovet the
initial pain, tough though it was. I think about this girl
every day. I can't help it. I don't mean to be weird or
creepy or anything, I just do. She's on my mind,
constantly. And every time I think of her, I think of
him...that guy. And whenever I think about him, I have to
wonder...did he know...I mean...did he ever really know
that I was trying to get with this girl?...I mean, like I
said before, it had to be rather obvious that I like this
girl...and yet here we are today. Im alone, and they're
together...hmh...I don't know. I know I can tell whenever
another guy likes a girl, and I don't claim to have any
special sensitivity that any other guy wouldn't have when
it comes to matters like this. Well as nice as we both are
to each other, I will always have my suspicions about this
guy, and as far as Im concerned, this guy's a thief. He
stole from me. And one day...he'll have to answer and pay
for what he's done...