Muffins Life...
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2010-03-02 05:55:07 (UTC)

Days Go By...

Its been one month, and i cant get it out of my mind. How
could you leave me here crying to run into her arms and
give her the very thing that i begged so hard for? Where
does this leave us? Or more importantly where does this
leave me? I sit here day in and day out.... and see it
over and over again in my head. I cant get it out no
matter what i do!! I hate him now... but i still love him.
In my mind i know that im going to be out for the next guy-
girl to come along and treat me the way i wanted so badly
to be treated by the one person that i truely trusted
myself with. Now there are times i cant even look him in
his face. He feels like shit, as he should... but it dont
change it. His sorrys just burn into my heart everytime he
starts to say it now. If he was so sorry why? Why would he
not care enough. 2 years down the drain over one night of
him out having fun at my expense. I knew from the start.
And as i often check my cell phone bill, i always find
something else to hurt me. He carried on all that day,
while I sat worried about Nia all day long, with her
surgery. He sat texting that whore right in front of me,
and when he begged me to go to work because Nia would be
ok.. it was only because he had plans with another girl.
Nothing he says to me anymore is real. I dont beleive a
word of it. I only feel used, and a place to live other
than in the woods. Now i sit and pay for his choice to do
what he did to me. His best friend calls me names and runs
his mouth about me and my kids, and as much as i want to
say that from the bottom of my heart i believe he is
sticking up for us. I only believe that its because he
dont want to have to live anyplace else. I have taken
pills, cut myself, and cried until it made me literally
physically ill... and nothing can erase the pain i feel
anymore. I want him to hurt like i do every single day. He
lays here again sleeping, feeling so confident in the fact
that hes still here, and i kept him. But did i really? To
me i feel like im just keeping him around until someone
else can make me feel good about myself again. I feel old,
dirty, and ugly now, i dont think there is any coming back
from this any longer. God i wish he had cared enough. All
he cared about was some random peace of ass? How is it
that i came behind that? Ill never get over this.... Fuck