the girl in the orange sweater

It's a tale to tell
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2010-03-01 17:26:43 (UTC)


my birthday is my least favorite time of the year.
happy birthday rebeca. 20 at last.
another birthday alone. big surprise. hah.
today cant possible be over with soon enough.

As i said earlier, tanner would be devistated; but then
again i still wasnt one hundred percent sure whether i was
pregnant at all. I went to my single bed, the coveres
spread perfectly and smoothly over it, and sat down
grabbing my phone off of its charger and went searching
through my contacts.
The cantact named "cuzzo:)". 'Of course!' i thought to
myself, doing a mental slap on the forhead and immediatley
texting her. My cuzzo was the only person to talk to about
it. I knew without a doubt there wasnt a soul that she
would tell, and that she'd support me no matter what. No
matter the decision i made, it would be my own and she
would stand next to me; even if she were cussing me
3 more tests.
All of them showed the same thing, one dark line and one
faint almost none existant line. We were both unsure, we
just couldnt make a decision one way or another, so off to
the clinic..
After waiting 20 minutes the test was right there on paper
in front of me. Positive. I was pregnant, 2 weeks along.
The tears immediately spilled over my eyes, the panic
rising inside of me. What was i going to do? I had to call
I expected fear or anger or some kind of panic. But all i
heard from the other line was a confident okay. then next
came the question, "What are we going to do?"
i froze in my seat, cuzzo staring at me. Sfter all she
wanted to know as well. I knew where she stood adn i knew
where tanner stood. one prolife, the other pro abortion.
Of course Tanner was pro abortion, adn who can really
blame him. He wasnt ready for a child, adn god knows
neither was i; but there was a part of me deep inside that
was jumping for joy and internally holding myself
saying "i can have kids! i can really have kids!! im going
to be a MOM!"

Almost 3 months later
I did it for him.
But he never knew what it was doing to me.
Sitting in the small crowded waiting room in the clinic in
nashville, kelley sitting beside holding my hand. kelley
wouldnt ever know the whole truth, but i suspect she knew
more than she let on. Either way she supported me, but she
would never know it was really supporting Tanner.
As we waited my stomache lurched, i had so hoped today
would be different, i had hoped there would be no morning
sickness, i haad hoped there wouldnt be a distinct
reminder of the growing baby inside of me. But today, my
innocent helpless child was throwing my stomach in loops
and cuasing too often trips to the restrooms.
"murderer" my mind and heart whispered at me.
"murderers" i thought as i looked around the deafeningly
quiet waiting room.Some of them even seemed cheerful, i
couldnt wrap my mind around it, kelley and i sat trying to
make us scenarios why all these women had come to a place
such as this. Only one couple that sat across the room
from us touched me, and still does to this day. The middel
aged woman sat with her head leaned agianst the man that
had come with her, their hands clasped; his eyes closed
and silent tears streaming down her face. i felt her pain,
i knew that she felt like i did and that her heart was
telling her to runfromthis room as fast as she could, just
as mine was telling me; but if i were to run if i grabbed
kelley and said i cant do this i must eave now how would i
go back and face tanner? When i promised for him, for our
future and financial stability, that i would come here and
that i would be brave and i would pull through. So i sat
there, fighting off the guilt and forcing a smile and
conversation with one of my dearest friends.
It all came tumbling down on top of me, when i entered the
small examination room, the caramel skinned nurse sitting
with a sympathetic smile on her face. They'dgiven me a
shot and pill for me nerves... adn for the pain.
"are you nervous?" she asked me a bit of worry tinging her
"a little" i whispered my mind foggy with the drugs, but
the panic and the guilt were still there. the urge to say
i cannot do it, keep the money i have to go coming in
stronger and stronger waves; but somehow repressed into to
back corner on my concious so i couldnt actually panic and
"you're breaking out in hives, dear. are you sure you're
okay?" she asked looking down at me.
all i could manage was a nod of my head, it felt as if any
moment i would fall asleep, the drowsiness was almost too
much; and just when oblivion seemed so close the dr walked
in, not even speaking a word to me he began his terrible
deed. It was the most excrusiating pain i've ever indured;
i squeezed the sympathic nurses fingers as hard as i could
barely managing to choke down what wanted to be screams
btu only came out as pathetic bits of whinning. After what
seemed like an eternity of pain the dr stood, adn then
grabbed the object that has haunted me ever since, the
clear jar filled with blood and bits of shredded skin adn
tissue... my baby.. my fucking baby.. my mind reeled, my
heart broke into unfixable peices, i had lost my chance to
run. tears spilled from my eyes and the ggut wrenching
sobs racked my body, a part of my soul had died with my
horrible deed. my unforgiveable sin.
i did it for him; and he didnt know how it broke me.
how im still broken and haunted and grieving our child.
how i'll never forgive myself. He'll never know what its
like to be pregnant to feel the little life inside of you,
that you harbor and protect and even after only 3 months
you come to love unconditionally. As i laid in the bed of
my blood, memories swam through my head of recent nights
where i laid awake for hours hold the timy swell of my
stomach singing soft lullubies to our child. How i told
our child how much i loved it and made empty promises of
the life i wanted for it. the life i wanted for our little
family. When it was all said and done, i felt an eternal
emptiness and fresh wound cut out so viciously and
heartlessly from inside me. physically and emotionally.