Why do I even bother
2010-02-28 23:31:47 (UTC)


I don't really believe that addiction is a medical
condition. I think it stems from the fact that I don't like
to acknowledge weakness in any form. And that "weakness" of
the mind is disgusting to me. I am not free of weakness, in
fact, I am very weak. I think I decide to judge/punish other
people because of my profound weaknesses. Its easier to
blame others than to work on myself.

My boyfriend has an addiction to alcohol. I don't like the
person he becomes with alcohol. It kinda repulses me. His
breath and movements are gross to me. I cant stand being
near him sometimes. I know I am being cruel. I don't know
how to let it out otherwise. There is no way I can discuss
this with him. I couldn't bear to hurt him. The pain flashes
across his face and my heart sinks.

Am I an enabler? Do I have the privilege to ask him to not
drink? I cant do that. I'm not the type of girl that gets
with a man and tries to change them. I know what type of guy
I chose to be with. When I agreed to be his, I agreed to
accept him as he was. I REFUSE to try to change him, and
expect the same consideration from him. I do however,
believe that I am allowed to ask him to not do something
that hurts him. And I can choose to not be a part of it.

I am not perfect. Far from it. I am addicted to binging and
purging. I know it harms me and that I am worthless for
letting it take hold of me. I feel foolish and shameful.
That I hide it from the people I love. How I feel when I
can't purge. How my throat burns in opposition. How my body
shakes in weakness. How I feel like I am lying about
everything and hiding my secret. How satisfied I feel
afterward. How I feel like its never enough.

Gotta go, he's home...