xXxsecretxXx

A normal life....
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2010-02-27 00:04:43 (UTC)

a kinda bad day....

So... yeah... my day has kind of sucked today.... well,
not really the day, the day was actually quite normal,
hanging out with friends, chatting on msn... that kind of
stuff... but I really feel like shit for some reason,
which I'm proud to announce is the first time this year..
I guess I'm just really REALLY tired. I barely slept last
night making an AMV as a bday present, the person loved it
and that made me REALLY happy.. but then here I go all sad
again..
Well... I don't really like talking to people bout how I
feel or shit like that, even though I'm a girl I think
that looks so weak and dumb.. seriously, you need to get
me pissed like hell on a really depressing day for a tear
to roll out of my eyes in front of anyone... anyway....
that's basically why I decided to create this diary where
I can just freely type with no one even knowing who I
am...
So... yeah, bitching about stuff time...
Don't really have much to bitch about... it's just that
I've been rather stressed lately, seriously, everytime I
pass my hand by my hair a bunch of hair comes with it, I'm
actually scared I'll go bald, not like I haven't done my
share of crazy things to my hair but.. seriously? Bald?
That is just too much....
Well... anyway.. the main prob is that this stupid court
thingy is coming nearer and nearer.... this big mess since
I'm not 18 yet... ya see, my mum had to be a stupid idiot
and go fuckin' everyone around, so I wasn't the kid of her
boyfriend, which is kind of quite obvious since I'm pale
as a wall and he is black..
Well... my grandma obviously knew this and, being a
racist bitch, kept nagging my 'stepfather' till he got so
depressed he started doing drugs.. we aren't poor but not
that rich, and at that time we were even poorer so..
yeah.. big debt, and BAM, gone for 3 weeks and then found
at a parking lot, no spine and so mutilated it barely
looked like him.... Only one of the murders was caught,
and sent to jail, not that that really matters now, that
was when I was 2 anyway...
So.... lets move to when I was 6, I found out my real
father was nearer than I expected, my sister was my
bestfriend at school and his wife (already his wife my mum
and him 'made me') my mum's bestfriend..... they all
decided for it to remain a family secret and they would
treat me as a friend's of Sofia's, just closer to them....
My life went perfectly till my mum decided to go on the
same path as my fake father, and started smoking, sniffing
and ejecting everything she could get he hands on... lost
her job and her mind, didn't have money to finish college
studies and had a different guy on her bed every week , if
not day....
I moved in with my grandma, went all goth and shit...
back with my mum, almost became a slut, thank gosh I'm
relathuionship phobic thanks to those bastards always
making me hate everyone and not trust any human being...
then back with my grandma, and I actually went emo, worst
time of my life, seriously, if I could go back in time I
would slap myself as hard as I can... and well, now, I'm
normal, can't even remember the last time I cried and you
can't believe how awfully awkward I feel bitching about
things, doesn't feel like me at all....
Anyway, I think next month or the month after, I will
have to choose who to stay with and.. honestly, I love
them both but... I also hate them both, and this isn't
just like being angry at them.. I actually do love them
but also hate them... they always told me lies about each
other, lies that made me confused, not knowing who to
believe or trust.. so I never trusted neither of them...
or anyone else for the matter....
Anyway, the problem about having no father and living your
childhood taking care of a druggy mum, is that you end up
not knowing what feeling like a daughter is, and instead,
I feel like everyone are my kids and need protection like
she does.. and.. the worst thing is, even though I know it
would be better staying with my grandma since she ha
sbetter conditions.. my mum is like my daughter and she
needs me.... so I think I'm gonna choose her...
Before the decision was clear since I also had a 'son'
with her.. her boyfriend, he has half her age, 20
something... he was funny, naive, good hearted.... hurt
easily, he had suffered alot but was still so innocent....
once again I felt like a mother, but as I was parted from
them, I couldn't be there to handle things, quickly he was
nowhere to be seen, and when we finally met again, his
aura was awful, his eyes were tired, tired of life, he
talked different, his voice bitter... he wasn't him any
more.. I failed as mother, and there was really nothing I
could do anymore, it's hard for me to give up, but I do
know when I can't do anything.... so... I replaced him
with someone else, a friend of mine, she is really young
and still can be saved....
Of course that caused trouble with my best friend, since
she feels like she is the one being replaced when she
isn't.... I guess I have been acting kind of different
lately... but that is just because, as my bestfriend for
so long, there is only one thing she has to do, only ONE
thing that she must never fail in.... completly trusting
me, telling me everything.. she can tell me to shut up
when I'm talking, she can ignore me, she can not listen to
me or not bother to give advice, which I nromally don't
ask for.. but she has to tell me everything.. and.. she
failed with it twice.. so.. yeah.. now.. I don't really
care.. ya know.? Like.. she can tell me if she wants to,
but I won't bother to nag or even ask....It's just, I
think not telling me something is the only possible way
she can hurt me, I don't believe anything else would, not
eve if she betrayed me, stole my boyfriend, slapped me,or
any other thing..... but.. I won't really ever tell
her.... there is nothing she cando anyway. yeah.. I know
I'm kind of a bitch but there is no making it up to me, if
she person does something wrong, which is awfully rare but
can happen, there is no way to correct it later...

Anyway.... This is enough for a day.. I hate talking like
this anyway.. makes me feel so..... stupid... ya know?

Well..... maybe I will type more tomorrow...


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