2010-02-26 03:35:20 (UTC)

Love, hate, and lost

Don't judge me you don't know me yet. Recently i was dating
a girl for about 8 months. About a month ago she was
diagnosed with depression. Before this she was amazing, i
couldn't get enough of her, but right before she was
diagnosed i started to lose interest like most high school
romances. She just happened to get diagnosed right before
our ugly break up, i had lost feelings for her, while she
was still crazy for me. I was her first time, first love,
first real boyfriend, best friend, the whole nine yards, i
was this girls life. But i backed out... i panicked. I HAD
to escape. Im 17, im not ready for that kind of pressure, to
be able to control a whole persons world.

After the break up we didnt talk, not a word. This lasted
about 3 and a half weeks. In that time i had gone back to an
old girlfriend, and found out i frankly couldnt stand her!
She was so annoying, immature, and ditsy.

I started to think about my cute, little, dimple faced, shy,
happy little (technically depressed) ex. She invaded my mind
like a virus. She got everywhere. I would look at other
girls and see her, see her everywhere i turned in school,
see her house on my way home and the small 2 story house
seemed to tower over the whole neighborhood in my mind. I
couldnt escape the thought of a love i had lost.

Well i made the first step to recovery, I made up with
her. Being the cunning manipulative person i have learned to
be in life, i got her back, pulled her heart strings and had
her back in my life, and in my house in less then 2 hours
after apologizing. ( I assure any readers, she is not easy
by any means. I just know how she ticks, she is a female
version of myself, my other half, she wants to hear what i
want to hear.) So a week has passed, we have hung out
everyday for a week, seeming to take off where we left off.
Besides the initial tears and remorse of the break up, we
were hitting it off like we hadnt missed a day.

Well today she dropped a bomb. We were hanging out in my
house like normal, and she begins to read my texts, i have
no reason to hide a thing. So i relax and let her dig
through my social life with my friends. Well awhile passes,
and i decide its safe to return the favor, catch up on the
social life she had while we were broken up. Well... this is
what i find...

Boy #1 is a an ex. a virgin. not really much of a threat to
stealing my girl, beyond a kiss and a holding of hands.
Conclusion: harmless.

Boy #2 not an ex. a rich kid. not good with the ladies.
there are stories of him trying to get with a real whore at
my school, and she even turned him down. This guy has no game.
Conclusion: No chance

Boy #3 the douchebag. This guy is a grade above me or 2. A
real asshole. He has a habit of getting girls drunk and
taking advantage of them. A real fucker. The kind of guy you
wish would just disappear for the rest of eternity.
Conclusion: the worst of the worst. The one to worry about.

Well boy 3 just happened to be the one.. yep #3!!! She tells
me she hung out with him. Im.. a step from blowing up with
anger. But i remain calm, im good at it, im always lax. Well
a couple questions and a little digging reveal a 2nd hang
out.. my heart drops to my toes. By this point she knows i
can barely believe what i hear, she is ashamed. She tells me
not to judge her.

Well from what she would admit, they only kissed. Which is
enough to make me want to brush my teeth and hers too. Im
not really sure if this is it however. I mean, if i was in
her position and ashamed, i would never admit anything more.
Would you? I didnt think so. So i tell her i forgive her.
After all i broke her heart.. i was in debt to her already.
So we get passed this moment, and she heads home later.

I am sitting here. not doing my homework due tomorrow,
thinking about this guy. Im a small guy, and a very passive
person. I couldnt take this guy in a fight if i tried. No
chance in hell. Im worried if anything more happened, but to
afraid to dig. Im full of an ungodly hate for a guy i barely
know. And now i just rekindle a flame of a relationship, and
now im ready to back out again. I cant believe it. I should
forgive her right? we werent even together technically. But
he is the one person i... i just cant stand.. the one person
in the world.. that i just.. couldnt believe she would
resort to after me, not even in revenge but in serious
search of a relationship or something to that extent. Im not
sure if i can even look at her the same anymore.. i cant
leave her, she is depressed and hasnt been this happy in a
long time. But im one step away from going ballistic. Im so
lost right now. I couldnt get away. and now she is back and
i want to leave already...

I dont know what to do. I had to tell someone. Your that
someone. Keep it safe. Thanks for listening.