Janelley

very abstract
2010-02-25 20:26:48 (UTC)

Peer pressure can try as hard as it wants..

today is thursday. I didn't get to write yesterday so thats
pretty much what I'll be write about. I'm gonna write about
what happen this moring, just so I don't forget.. Okay so
this morning I went to work and sean coats.. boy do i want
to strangle that kid some times. I won't get into his
situation right now. I had an interview at Dutcher Middle
School for a lunch lady at turlock high school. I'm suppose
to call dusty soon. So that went good, then I went to
target, cause I saw this orange bra, and natalie was
talking about how she wanted an orange bra..well I found an
sorta orange bra with poka dots..its cute. I really want to
get it for her. I don't know if I have enough though. That
one was 10 dollars and the other one that was a little
moree orange than the last one, its 12 some thing.
expensive.. :( Oh well. I love her. He favorite color is
orange. :) Okay yesterday here I come,

So I went to work and then in the after noon I went to baby
sit grace cause jenni had to teach pianl lessons. So we
were talking about tyler and me..and she asked if we were a
couple, like if we were gonna even be a couple. I was
thinking, 'yea, were just taking it slow..' but what I said
is totally different. :( "Yea, we will, he's just waiting
till his divorce is final. He was recently married and his
wife decided she didn't love him anymore and left him." :(
thats what I said, and then jenni gave me that look,
like, 'wait a second' and that stern look. Oh crap what
have I done. At least I didn't tell anybody we kissed. They
would have a hissy fit!! He's special. :) When we held
hands on sunday it felt so right. :) I never felt that way
with zack. never. I know you're not suppose to say never.
But i was uncomfortable holding zacks hand. So then jenni
said, that since he isn't a virgin anymore then he's gonna
have a lot of bagage and its gonna catch up with him and
that he's gonna want to have sex with her next
relationship..well the other night when ty and I were
having our sex talk, I told him that i'm not having sex
until I'm married. and he's fine with that. Okay so here's
the logic of the situation. I'm self consious to kiss a guy
why the heck would I have sex with one??!?! It makes no
sense. Joyce is making me so mad. I'm still so stressed
about what I told jenni yesterday. she said I should tell
dad, but i don't see how it is any of his business. and
plus Its not any of jenni's business either. Its not mine
either!!! It makes me thing that jenni will think
differently of him. I told jenni that he said that he
wasn't gonna have sex again until he was married. And even
thou he didn't say that..He said he really likes me, and he
doesn't want to screw anything up, and I know that I'm not
gonna have sex with any body besides my husband. I just
want my parents to trust me with guys. I'm not a tramp. and
I feel like they think of me as a trouble case that I'm
gonna come home pregnant one of these days. I won't trust
me!! I do not fall into peer pressure easily. When I go
with sabrina to parties or just friend's houses' and they
try to pressure me to have a cig or some hooka or a beer or
a jello shot..haha.. (the jello shot happened once. I had
one, and we didn't leave the party for like 3 hours after i
had it, and i had some thing to wash it down with. some
sobe drink.) I was talking to sabrina last night and she
was like "Its a good thing you don't fall into peer
presssure." I just want my dad to trust me to hang out with
tyler alone.. You know the fameous line that parents give
their kids. Its the, "I trust you but not him/her" okay let
me brake it down for you. When they say they trust you..it
makes you feel a little better right..and then they say
they don't trust the other person.. no one ever looks into
that. They just said that trusted you and now they're
saying they don't. If my dad trusts me to be alone with
tyler, then he will trust tyler as well. He will trust me
to tell tyler no. I can tell tyler no. I've told him 'no'
when I wasn't ready to kiss him. I know that I've some what
lost my parents trust with curfew but that has nothing to
do with guys. Nothing. :( I'm not gonna tell dad that ty
has been married. Its none of his business like I said. I
know that sounds mean and that I'm not honnoring my father,
but i shouldn't have told jenni. I want to ask tyler for
forgiviness but then sabrina told me not to worry about it.
But I really want to say sorry to some one. The other night
ty asked me if I had any regrets..well i couldn't think of
any off the bat, but now I have one front and center. :(
I'm gonna ask him to come to the indoor soccer game again
if he wants. And he asked me if I wanted to go to the
movies if his uncle pays him this weekend. I said yes.
Tyler has faults and don't we all. I can't judge him, we
all have faults. I've looked at porn before and sota
enjoyed it. I don't o it anymore, no one else knows
that..well I tol sabrina last night cause we were talking
about the divorce thing. and she knew before me. We all
have sinned. His wife left him, what is he suppose to do,
wait until she's dead and then he can start living his life
agaan..that doesn' seem fair. I know life isn't fair but
every body makes mistakes. So why say that I can't be with
him beacause of this mistake. And excpet for the tattoo
thing, I really do like tyler. What sorts of faults can he
have that aren't already over used.. lets see. he 'USE' to
drink, smoke, cuss, he was married, I can't really think of
anymore that would be that bad.. seriosly.. Its 12:17 I
need to call dusty but I have to take joyce soon.. and I'm
not really in the mood to talk.. I feel like since I told
jenni about ty which was yesterday and that when we were
texting it felt kinda werid. Like he didn''t want to text
me.. then he said that what he thought but that I didn't
want to talk to him.. It was sorta fuuny, he said that he
needs to stop kissing me at the end of our dates so i can't
run off on him. But thats the best time to kiss me! haha..
seriosly. after he kisses me, I want to scream and jump and
I get really excited and I have to write about it.. :) so
far he's kissed me 9 times. ;) thats right I count. and
the other day he told me.. well texted me, "I enoyed ur
kisses." haha.. yea I didn't know what to say I was so
totally speechless. I'm really tired.. I want to take a
nap but I have to take joyce to school in a little
bit..actually never mind i don't. julianne took the white
car and that means that she'll just take the red car to
school. yup. :) I'm still not really in the mood to smile.
I think I'll get some lunch. and then call dusty and then
take a nap until work. Its 12:23. I have a while till 3. :)
yea.. still not that happy. And I also want to say that if
ada does find out that ty has been married then I would
appreiate it if no one else in the family knew.. cause if
julianne knew I'm sure she would have some thing to say.
Just because he has done some thing ba doesn't mean he's a
bad person. I just need strength from God. Its really
beating me up.. :( :( okay well I have to clean the kitchen
and then eat lunch then take a nap and go to work. thank
goodness its thursady. it's not raining either. which is
amazing. I love the rain but i can' stamd to be out in
it. :( okay I'm gonna get going. tata.




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