My Thoughts
2010-02-25 17:20:20 (UTC)

thoughts--feelings 2/25/10 12:51 AM

I have never written on an online diary before, usually I
just whip out a piece of paper if I start feeling strong
emotions about something and start writing the first thing
that pops into my head. I have let only one person read my
thoughts before and that is it. Nobody knows how I feel
inside. They see how I act during the day when I am
outside of my bedroom and think that everything is all
handy dandy, but it is not. Inside I feel indescribable. I
have so much pent up anger that I don't know what to do. I
don't know who to talk to besides myself. I barely have
any friends, well besides lately, but I hardly even know
them. It would be kind of awkward if I just started
telling them everything right off hand. I don't think I
have ever had someone I could really talk to that wouldn't
judge me for what I said. My mom and I are close, but not
as close as she thinks we are. She doesn't know the other
side of me. She thinks that I am just shy and quiet, yeah
that maybe true, but if she really knew the true me, it
would destroy everything we have. Our entire friendship,
mother-daughter relation, would be over, kaput. I wish
every day that I could just come clean to her and tell her
everything that bothers me, I hate keeping these secrets
buried deep inside of me. One day they are going to come
bursting through and that is going to be it. My life is
nothing but secrets. Everybody thinks that the reason I am
shy is just because I get nervous or whatever in front of
people, the truth is, I don't like confrontation. I don't
like talking. I always have a vision or whatever that I am
going to say something extremely stupid and embarrassing.
I don't want that to happen, so if I do talk, I try and
keep the conversation short. I answer people if they ask
me questions because I am not a jerk, but I don't keep
talking unless they keep asking me questions. My mom as
always tried me to break me of my shyness, but she just
doesn't understand. There is more to it then just striking
up a conversation with someone and that is it. You have to
have the confidence, and trust me, I don't. Believe me
when I say that I have tried to just start talking, but I
just end up talking myself out of it. People say that
I'll "grow out" of my shyness, but that isn't true. I will
always be shy. It is a part of me, without it, I wouldn't
be who I am today. It is like taking someone that can sing
and then one day they wake up and they can't sing anymore,
they wouldn't be a singer anymore, they wouldn't be them
self anymore. It would be like someone just ripped them
apart and left the scrapes behind. You wouldn't feel
complete anymore. You would feel alone, confused. My life
is nothing but confusion. I don't know why I am different
then most people. I go to school and see people yelling
and screaming across the hall and think to myself I wish I
could do that. I see people going shopping with their
friends or just hanging out with their friends and think I
wish I had friends to do that with. Gosh for crying out
loud, I wish I could just have a sleepover with some
friends. My life is nothing, pathetic. I have accomplished
nothing in the sixteen years I have been alive. If being a
loner is an accomplishment, then I have succeeded at
something I guess. My life is just one big screwed up mess.

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