Only In My Life
Today is the first day of the rest of my life.
About a week ago I turned 40 years old. Since then it is
like I have had this light bulb go off in my head or I am
having a mid life crisis.
I keep thinking I couldn't wait to grow up for THIS ? I am
married have two grown children (at least they should be)
and one grandchild and one on the way. I rent my home and
still make car payments on a used 2000 Ford Focus. I over
the last year have been diagnosed with Diabetes, High
Blood Pressure, High Choloresterol, and Fibromyglia. I am
struggling to pay my bills and quite honestly most of them
don't get paid. I have a garnishment on my check and
another one standing in line. I am just 40 and my life is
completely screwed up. I am about to lose my utilities
because I can't afford the high cost of gas that it takes
to heat my home. $1000.00 in utilities is just
ridicoulous. I have my daughter that is pregnant, my
grandson one of her friends with 2 children (she had no
place to go. was living in a homeless shelter when I
brought her in) living with us. My sister brother n law,
neice and nephew also living with me. They are moving next
week and I am glad. Having them around is like having to
fight to get any kind of payment out of them for food,
utilities, and half of the rent. They are all lazy. Refuse
to clean and do anything of the sort and the girls just
got dropped from school that they were attending due to
loss of transportation. I honestly cannot do everything
which is the reason I am sick. My stress level is so high
that I can't even stand to go home sometimes because it is
all about the same thing everyday. So when I came to my
realization I felt like I just want to run. But the love I
have for my daughter and most importantly my grandson is
what keeps me there. I have a full time job and needless
to say a more than full time life. I really want to see
the girls out on their own. I want a small two bedroom
apartment or something like that. Something I can afford.
I want to have some years with my husband not spending
them raising children. We have already done that and feel
like our time is over for that. I take care of my grandson
more than my daughter does. I know when this next baby
comes it will be much the same. One thing is she has
seizures. Real bad ones. She is medicated for this and it
works most of the time but not all of the time. On top of
all of this I recently had an attack of acute pancreatis
and I am going for a CT Scan today. Hopefully there is not
something more serious wrong with me. I would like to be
around a little while longer. Remember I am just 40. I am
not sure what I am going to do with all of this stress. I
really can't take much anymore. Just a year ago I finished
raising one of my nephews. This was the other son of the
sister that had been staying with me. After I finished
raising him he moved out with his girlfriend and entered
college. I am very proud of him. He was on drugs and just
a complete dead head until I stepped in and took custody
I really need like two things right now. One a loan to
help catch up some bills and two some peace.
I have dreams that I want to live out. I feel like I have
been robbed of those with everything going on. I still
have time. But I am afraid as with the last 40 years they
will come and go and it will be too late.
I want to own my own business. I have the talent to do so.
I just don't have the money to start it or even the time
right now. I think if I knew I could get the money then I
would certainly make the time.
Well enough for now I will write more later.