All that is
Ad 2:
2010-02-23 03:44:56 (UTC)


So tonight's my last night in Innsbruck. can't believe i
made it to austria. no biggie, but still. first successful
journey by myself. no missed flights, no passport
absences.... the first night was a roller coaster of
anxiety and fear though. after i woke up from my nap, i
read ohaechesi's message about my putting the money in his
account. that's when all the worries i thought i'd left
behind re-appeared. cos i was away from london didn't mean
that trouble had taken a break.

so that was the beginning of the whole fiasco on that day.
i knew ohaechesi's case was the most important to do first
otherwise if he was really in desperate need of cash, he'd
end up asking my mummy - who'd then call me and i really
didnt want that. so i called my bank and did it. but then
the call took up my whole credit. and i was told that if i
had no credit on my phone, people in another country (aka
my daddy) won't be able to call me, which was a problem.
not that i wanted them to, but if they happened to try and
then couldnt reach me, then the situation could get outta
hand (especially after what happened last time) with him
trying to call my flat and asking to speak to me or to go
and knock on my door, only to be told i wasn't answering,
or worse, wasnt in. i mean he'd have probably made that up
just to catch me out, and then cos i wouldnt have known if
i was true or not, i'd have said i was at a sleep over...
anyway's i tried topping up my phone through different
ways online. then i got a message saying u have £0.40
credit left, to top up, send you bank account no. your
amount, and the security code at the back of your card to
this number...20034 or somthing like that. i'd never
gotten a messge like that before and was a bit sketchy and
hesitant about it cos of giving out my security no. but in
my desperate situation, i tried it as a last minute
resort. but it didn;t work. then anton helped me out by
using his card to put money for me. but then like half an
hour later, i got a voice messgae from hsbc saying 'this
is an urgent message for miss amaka.... call this number
asap...' then i called the number and my heart sank, and
my hands got icy and skin got hot... like the feeling i
usually get when something goes horribly wrong, or u find
urself in a heap of shit. the number i dialled had put me
through to the hsbc fraud detection department..... i
thought "oh fuck". i was so certain that that number i
texted with my bank details had been used for something.
they'd cleared my account... i couldnt believe it. then i
tried to call to speak to someone, but couldnt get through
several times. i even considered bookin the next flight
back to london. cos the thought of being in ibk till
tuesday with this feeling was insane. then eventually i
got through, and i was panicked, and then it turned out
that apparently i'd entered the wrong address on some of
then online top up sites... god i was so relieved, that i
didnt care anymore if my daddy called or not. i thought
fuck that!
my oh my.
so after that we went to a few bars.

let me talk about toni. the actual reason i'm here right
now. when i first met toni, i thought "hmmm he's shorter
than i imagined.. and i don't think there's much chemistry
here. even the few weeks before i came to ibk, i was
getting cold feet about us, if u can call it that. it's
strange to think now that there was a time i was really
attracted to him. like i fancied him. and he was
definately all over me too.
anyways and the first day he was really gentle man like -
courteous, flirtatious even. but then it declined. i don;t
think i was what he expected. i think he found me much
less attractive in real life. i think it;s my skin and my
teeth tbh. gotta sort those mother fuckers out. when
online he was asking if we could sleep in the same room,
when i came he clearly didn't wanna. as his feelings for
me declined, mine increased.
on the second night, we slept together. had sex. it wasn't
great. but he was surprisingly HUGE. like impressively. it
was the part before the actual shagging that turned me on
the most. probably more than ben etc. the rubbing, the
touching. the fact that i'd never seen that side of him
and he seems so upstanding was terribly sexy when he
turned naughty. the look on his face. eyes half closed,
mouth open...
i did't enjoy the actual sex tbh. didn't have time to
think of it, or to really feel it. he moved so bloody
fast. never had anything like it. i don't think i ever
thougt that one could move faster than ben. i thougth that
was the fastet... apparently not. toni was like a turbo
jet or somthing. held me down really hard too. like pushed
my legs back, it almost hurt. and it seemed to me like
selfish sex too. completely for his own gratification. i
mean the next day when we talked about it, i said that i
hadn't slept with many people. and he said 'i could tell'
which i wasn't exactly pleased with i guess. not that i
wanted to have slept with tonnes. but literally it's
implying that it wasn't that great. and i'm not a crap
anyways, afterwards (after i saw how big his dick was i
thnk...) when i started seeing signs of confidence and
maturity and seriousness and his ableness to take charge,
i started feeling kinda more attracted to him. like
sexually obviously. this is really hard for me to
articulate. i guess like old habits, when i start to feel
inferior to a romantic interest in anyway, whether
mentally (especially mentally) or whatever.. i want them
more. they become more worthy. more desirable.
and with toni it was like that. the next day, i brought up
the night before and he told me that he's actually 'kind
of' seeing someone but it's 'kind of an open
relationhship...' and i was like 'you should have told me
earlier' and he said 'i thougth you wouldnt come'
it annyoed me. i was confused. didn't know what to think
or what to feel, how to act. should i be angry? afterall i
asked him to stay with me - but then i thougt we liked
eachother. thought the feeliings were mutual - but
afterall, deep down i knew he didnt feel that way anymore
from his behoviour and yet i still asked him to stay in my
room with the intention that something should happen - but
still, he could have told me sooner about it, i mean it's
not fair to lead me on like that, just to get me to come,
with all my hopes ect......etc ....etc

but then what the fuck did he want me to think afterwards?
i mean that i'd fuck him and then not feel anything for
him? or that i fucked him casually? i don't sleep with
people i don;t have any kinda strong feelings for (bar
chris and ben adams....) so i feel like he took my
feelings for granted. and he knew i had them of course
otherwise i wouldnt have come to visit him. i'm annoyed by
his behavious afterwards too, his nonchalance, his
rudeness, he hasn't done any of the things he said he'd
do, like help out with money etc, he helped with my work
but even that we argued about today when he said i didn't
say thank you for it....

then he said that he didnt regret it, but he doesn't want
it to happen again and just wants to keep it as
friendship. but then why didn't u say that before u fucked
me? i mean to say that u don't want it to happen again is
kinda rude - what if i wanted it to happen again? (which i
did, for perhaps the wrong reasons, but still..)i mean
there are two of us in this. it should be up to u to
decide that. it's kinda thougtless. like he didn't think
of what i wanted or the way he obviosly knew i felt. he
thought i just wanna be friends, but i'll take advantage
of the fact that she likes me and satisfy my curiousity.
so he thinks now that it's satisfied and it actually
wasn't that great, it's not worth it.
i asked if he was gonna stay in my room last night and he
said no cos he has to wake up early the next day. i
understood, with the consolation that tonight being my
last night here, he'd be kind and stay at mine over the
night. and he said no, cos he had to wake up early
tomorrow, and he didnt wanna wake me, and i was like no
it;s fine i need to get up early anyway, so u can wake me.
and he said nah... ego bruised.
is it cos he doesnt fancy me anymore, or cos he's not the
kinda guy that fucks around... which was what he said. but
then when we were chatting all this time, i know he had
every intention of fucking me, so if 'he's not that type
of guy, then why did he lead me on like that? he just
wanted to try it out basically. when we talked he said '
he wasn't the kinda guy who hurt girls etc or who played
girls etc. but he's played the biggest game outta any guy
i've been involved with. he's no different. at least the
others don't deny it. but he just doesnt seem to recognise
it. he's quite unintuitive and thoughltess actually. i
guess u can say that when u dont fancy someone, u don't
fancy them. maybe if i looked the way he thought i did
like in my photos and on cam, it would hve been differnt.

but to be honest, were quite different actually. he's
colder than i thought. or maybe it was just cos of me. and
the whole time i was there, i was paranoid that he didnt
want me there anymore and was regretting me coming and
looking forward to me leaving. cos we disagreed a few
times. actually only to do with him not hangin out with
me, the post sex complications and like today at the
mountain place, he said that i didn't say thank u after
the drawing... and then i was like u kept telling me to
hurry up and then he was like that was because i wanted to
go to sleep and then i was like yea but we stayed up
talking for like 2 hrs afterwards, then he said that's cos
i wanted to be polite...(!) that really upset me. i mean
it kinda confirmed it for me. like he didnt really wanna
hang out, but was only doing it to be polite... kinda mean.

i've gotten hurt quite a few times on this trip and have
come close to tears like twice because of him. so toni
really hurt me actually. the last person i'd have thought
would do so. i trusted him a lot with my feelings, and put
bluntly, he was reckless. to avoid telling me about this
girl he's in an 'open relationship' with, was basically
lying. once he decided he didnt like me in that way
anymore, he used it as an excuse. that's taking liberties.
i once thought i could say that i wasn't one of those
girls who, because they've gotten hurt in the past, have
trouble trusting men, and opening up in a relationship,
but now i think i've had it. i've cried for every guy i've
ever slept with, and i've come unarmed, trusting,
believing and ready to give to any guy i've had my heart
set on. it's my fault. i put myself in the firing line.
however, now, i really feel a kind of grudge against men
creeping up, and trouble trusting men. toni will be the
last guy that ever got my trust without earning it.

the power and protection in a relationship lies in the
hands of whoever cares the least. when i began loosing
interest in toni, i felt powerful, secure, if not a little
bored. but then i began to care and the power was
transferred onto him. i did the chasing, which only got me
as far as 'shag and dump'

I've written him a thank you card, because i do appreciate
my time here and he did make an effor to make me feel
comfortable (even though it was cos he felt obliged to and
not because he wanted to...) but i'm also writing it for
the sake of guest etiquette and politeness. if i had to
say everythin i really felt...
it said
'dear toni, I had a great time in innsbruck thanks for
makin such an effort to make my time here comfortable and
interesting... it was fun meeting all ur flatmates etc..
hopefully we'll get a chance to hang out like this again.'

big hug, ..... (well, something along those lines)

tomorrow i wanna say to him ' you know u really upset me
these past few days... did u think i wanted to have sex
with u just cos i was curious? no, i liked u. that's why i
paid £120 to come and visit you. but u took advantage of
that. you decided you didnt like me as much as you thougt
u did, or you weren't as attracted to me as much as you
thought u were, and so u decided to tell me about this
other girl, to use that as an excuse. a pretty lame excuse
too. cos u say that ur not the kinda guy who sleeps around
with different girls. but when we were talking online, i
know u had every intention of sleeping with me even though
u were involved with this other girl... so that excuse
isn't true. and even if it was, u lied to me by not
telling me about it. i'm just really disappointed because
i really trusted you, maybe even too much i thought u were
different and that you'd be the last person who'd treat me
like this, but i was wrong about u - you're just like
every other guy that i've ever been involved with, that's
ever hurt me. you changed your mind about being attracted
to me, but u were still curious i guess and so u took
advantage of the fact that i liked u. i think you're the
last guy i'll give my trust to just like that.

I could just go back to london and send an email. but the
things i wanna say and how i wanna say them wont have the
same effect over email, which is why i wanna do it
tomorrow. or i'll get 'late rage'