Hopeless Romance
2010-02-21 22:18:39 (UTC)

Single Still

I don't ever want to think of myself as desperate... seems
that way these days though, I've gone out with a couple of
men, guys that aren't EXACTLY what I'm looking for... who
am I kidding, not ANYTHING like what I'm looking for, but
I'm did it anyway.

I went out and I did what I always do, got drunk and ended
up regretting the night. Not that I went all the way, but
that I went TOO far... didn't have sex, but I did touch and
grab and lick and bite and all the shit that leads up to

I wonder what people must think of me, if they knew... what
would they say? and now you know, so what do you say? I'm
not an alcoholic, I know it... I know I'm not, I've spent
time around them, I've been in hospitals, I've gone to
meeting after meeting, I've tried the sponsors, I've
realized I'm not that way, I don't drink when I don't want
to, and I limit the drinking... I CAN do that. Am I
kidding myself?

I went out last night, I drank, and I drank, and I got in
my car, and I put the lives of five people in danger... I'm
a fully functioning killing machine... and the people in my
car didn't even know that I could have been the end of
them... but they took a chace on that roulette with me...
it was a miss, cuz we're still here...

The Rodeo is still in town... last weekend haha, it's what
the girl scouts said to me yesterday... "wanna buy some
cookies, it's the last weekend." I don't ever go to the
rodeo, I want to, but I just never have the time... oh, but
I do have time for the cowgirl breakfast... Richard and I
went together... t and a and my friend... I spent the night
with him that night... he knew I was drunk, and he still
pulled some shit... I've never hated him so much than when
I woke up naked in his bed... I've known him for soooo
fuckin long, how could he do this to me? this was about a
month ago, I was on the rag, I think that's what stopped us
from fucking... I can't believe it, because under normal
circumstances, I would NEVER go there with him! I was
pissed off at myself for letting it happen, but I was more
pissed at him because he started it, knowing that I was
retarded drunk!

the other night, I hung out with Adam, I invited him to
London's with me and hans and david, and all those kids...
well, he was plastered and I was tipsy, and he was planning
on sleeping in his truck, so I offered him the other side
of my bed... he accepted, and I told him the only condition
was that we had to leave early cuz I had to be at work the
next day... well, he pretty much spent the night on top of
me, trying to get me to fuck him... well, I totally messed
with him the whole night, and kept from fucking him... I'm
glad too, cuz I have a feeling that's what he thinks this
is all about, and the dude isn't even hot... he's cute, but
he's fat, and nothing like Chris! listen to me... I'm
sounding like Tom... (you don't look anything like summer)

I used to be such a beautiful girl... I used to have
everything too, I had the gorgeous husband that proposed to
me on my birthday on the beach, in the sand... I used to
have the perfect service job, I used to make money being
myself, I used to have lovely boys telling me how lovely I
was... I used to have it all, and now all I have it
nothing... I'm ugly, alone, and penniless... I sit around
feeling sorry for myself, and I'm expecting that some hot
successful boy will come to wisk me away to some exotic
location (where he's from) and marry me, to make all my
pain go away, and help me be better... and raise babies...
fuck, I'm so pathetic, I'm not gonna do anything about it,
I'm just gonna write it down and go back to my worthless
job, and my "independence..." I fucking hate myself!

I'm glad I started this though... at least now you know

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