A daily confession
one day when I was 6 or 7 shortly before my mother left I
was sitting in the kitchen and watched my mother doing the
dishes and then she poured herself a coffee and I asked
her what was wrong as she seemed sad. She said that she is
unhappy and that one day she may not be here anymore.
I didn't understand what she meant and asked for how long
she would be gone, and she looked out of the window and
said - forever. Scared by what she said I asked when she
would leave, and she answered: maybe tomorrow, or next
week or in a month or two.
I did not really understand what she meant and I had no
understanding in how much time that is. From then on,
every morning, I quietely opened my parents bedroom door
and checked if my mother is still here.
quite a while later I heard them fighting at night and I
opened my bedroom door and peeked out. I saw my brother
also look outside and I sneeked into his room. we huddled
toghether and tried to hear what they were fighting about.
we looked out through the door and after a long time of
shouting and my mother screaming we saw how dad pulled mom
on her hair down the stairs telling her she should fuck
off and that she is a dirty whore.
My brother and I hid in his bed and eventually fell
asleep. the next morning I ran and checked if my mother
was still here, but she was gone. I searched the whole
house and could not find her. I sat on top of the stairs
and cried. For a very long time. eventually my brother got
up and tried to calm me down. He asked what was wrong and
I told him that mom is gone. He said that maybe she just
went shopping but I knew it was sunday and that what she
told me a while ago became a reality.
As my brother could not calm me down he woke up my dad and
he sat there holding me and said that she will soon be
back and that she is just on holiday for a few days. I
told him that she told me she would leave forever and he
got angry and said that that is rubbish and not true.
I got brushed off and he was annoyed that I could not be
So he called my uncle in Lausanne because he thought that
maybe my mother went there. he screamed and yelled on the
phone as they said she is not there. then he put me on the
phone and made me ask and say that I was very sad and miss
mommy. I think a few hours later she was back but my
mother and father were fighting all the time. shortly
after she got her own appartment and left for good.