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2010-02-18 05:43:50 (UTC)

Best Friend?

I don't know what to do anymore. I can barely find the words
to explain these feelings that i'm now feeling towards you.
Bad feelings i don't wish to become familiar with but you're
leaving me no choice. I'm finding it hard letting you go but
if i don't, i feel as if though i might just lose it. Do you
know why? Oh wait. You don't care that's right.

I told you something so deep that i've never told anyone.
Something that i've had inside for 4 years, issues i've had
to deal with for 4 years. But you act no different. Every
day you ignore the fact that i'm upset and ignore me
completely as if i'm not there. I worry sometimes that you
just might think i'm some attention whore. But these
feelings won't go away over night especially when i have no
support. You're not there for me. You said i could always go
talk to you. But if you know i'm upset and i'm having
trouble going to you why can't you come to me at least once.
Why should i have to beg for you to care.

I hate how you are now. Before i cried because i felt so
lost and as if there was no one to tell. If there's anything
worse than feeling lonely. It's feeling lonely while having
people around you. You treat me like a joke now. Or maybe
you've always have. It's just become more obvious.

You're like a young child who is infatuated with a brand new
toy when they first receive it but begin to leave it behind
when they grow bored of the toy. Especially when a brand new
toy comes along. We would always keep contact when we
weren't together and we would talk 24/7. You always messaged
me right after school ended. Why did it stop so suddenly?
Now you cut our conversations short after a couple exchanged
words and you won't talk to me unless i talk to you now. You
won't answer my texts yet i see you messaging your internet
friend 24/7. Yeah, just like you said, right? "No faces over
the internet can replace someone i see on a daily bases."
LIAR! You don't even make the effort to talk to me anymore
but you talk to your little friend all the time. You treat
me like this but you still have the nerve to rest your head
on my shoulder and hug me after you leave the room in
school. What is that? You won't talk to me the whole time
we're in a room together but you'll still hug me before you
leave. Does that even make sense?!

I'm tired of trying to talk to you. It's like talking to a
wall because you always seems so uninterested. I'm tired of
trying. I try and try but i've grown tired. Tired of trying
to save us. You don't even make an effort so why should i?
It's hard for me to accept that you don't care and that
you've replaced me with this person. I think what bothers me
the most are your lies. You always say "You're one of the
most important people to me." Yeah. Right. You say these
things but you act otherwise. You said you would try to
change but you've gotten worse. The last times we discussed
some things you said things that gave me hope and although i
knew everything you said was nothing i liked feeling happy
for at least that moment. Although you know it may not last.
You should enjoy it while you can, right?

I feels as though i should talk to you about our problems
but it might just end up being like all our other
conversations. You're the only one i would tell things to
but i no longer trust you. Keeping these things to myself
will take my sanity. Discussing things with you won't make a
difference so now i have to write it all out and rant.
Better to write it down than drown other friends with my
rants. And although this may not make sense, writing it down
does feel a lot better.