STEPH

Life, Love, Lessons
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2010-02-14 17:06:57 (UTC)

Circles-round and round we go.

Ok- SO this day is enough for me to start writing in this
diary. For some reason, no matter how great a boyfriend I
have, this day is always sad to me. Today, I am filled with
pain. As I look over at my boyfriend still sleeping in the
bed next to me, I am forced to travel down that god
forbidden road- the ex road. What the hell? My thoughts
begin to poison this day before it even begins. All I
could think of was him and the Valentines Day a few years
back when he filled my entire living room with heart
balloons, dripped red velvety rose pedals that led to the
bed, cooked my favorite food, Mexican....., created a
beautiful space with dozens of fluffy pillows, transformed
my coffee table with a table cloth, printed with pictures
of us...our relationship, Godiva chocolate, and a tiny box
from Tiffany's. SInce when did I get some damn
materilastic? That was a day I felt truly loved...but since
when does all of these material things suffice for love? AM
I that screwed in the head to think this is love?
Distortion feels my heart today. SO on that magical day, I
was so overwhelemd I drank a bottle of wine, and then
wasn't worth a damn after that.....ironic isn't it? SO this
memory, much more eloborate in my head then that actual
day...little did I know , set up the rest of the men that
would enter my life and which would try to make me happy on
Valentine's Day. The funny thing is, this was all that my
ex was really great at- the whoa factor , the surprise
factor, picking me up little things here and there to show
he loved me, to show he listened to me, to show he cared.
Material things, he was equally great at calling me names,
threatning to cheat on me if I didnt sleep with him when he
wanted it, controlling what I wore, who my friends were,
and how many beers I had at dinner. SO today, of all days,
I am finding myself missing him, distorted as it is. I
wonder, when the hell will he get out of my mind. I wonder
what he is doing for his beautiful , younger girlfriend.
But then again I stop and wonder , do they fight about the
same kinds of things. Why did I not want him when I had
him? and why does he seem so wonderful now, even though
this is far from the truth. Why do I regret leaving him
when my heart told me to go, or I would just be unhappy.
Why is it when you follow your heart, it is the hard road
either financially or socially. Why am I regretful for
decisisons I made.Why can't I see that abusive guy I was
with for 3 years- instead I see another Mr. Right that I
sabatoged once he got too close.

Beep Beep Beep, the alarm clock rings at 11:00 AM...there
is no flowers, no love letter, no oreo on my pillow- all
things that cost nothing. He says- what's wrong, I reply
nothing as tears fall from my blue eyes. I am filled with
guilt, guilt of longing for the past. I am angry at him for
not doing something simple for me. He says but I thought we
were celebrating tonight after I get home from work. This
is the message I sent to him. However, why for just once ,
can't he surprise me like my ex did. He tells me how
beautiful I look, and how I am his Valentines. This is not
enough to me. I tell him how I am feeling and he
apologizes. I don't want him to feel like he fucked up
because he didn't. The weirdest thing I am realizing now
is ...the things I complained about to my ex- my current
boyfriend has naturally-like letting me be myself, he cooks
for me, cleans the house, listens to me without judgement,
is honest and has never disrespected to me,trust, all these
things I just know I NEEDED TO FINALLY BE HAPPY. He has
them all! Now I have them, I am complaining to my boyfriend
that I have now that I want him to surprise me with
kindness. not say baby what do you want for V day? This is
something my ex has naturally. Maybe I am just chasing the
white rabbit- the unattainable, Will I ever be happy?


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