A Day in the Life
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2010-02-14 08:33:12 (UTC)

Last Night

Last night seemed like it was going to be a pretty good
night. I went to work at the coffee house and offered to
take Dokia out to dinner afterward. Truthfully, I can't
really afford it but the other day she made a comment about
us not doing anything and me worrying about money.

She told me last week I was lucky she was so understanding,
and that upset me quite a bit. I took her back, after she
left me for another guy, but I should be lucky that she is
so understanding.

So, I took her out to the Turf for dinner. Nothing fancy,
just her and I getting some bar food and playing darts to
relax. I thought it would be nice to spend some quality
time together.

Mike called and wanted to know if I wanted to play Risk. I
honestly wasn't going to, even though I would have liked to,
so that I could spend time with her. But, she actually
encouraged it, since Casinda would be there anyways. I
thought it would be fun so we left darts and went there.

The night seemed to be going pretty well. Mike, Dan,
Patrick, Nick, Aaron and I were playing Risk. The girls
were off doing things related to Casinda's pregnancy or

As the night was wrapping up, Dan and Nick had left and the
four of us guys were finishing up Risk. Patrick and I were
on a team and Patrick really placed his troops poorly from
the start, so it was clear we were going to lose. I just
wanted the game to be over because Dokia sent me a text
about getting some quality cuddle time in, which I was
looking forward to.

She came downstairs, and I told her I would be finished in a
few minutes. In front of everyone, she said "does that
include bathroom time?"

I was instantly angry with her. It was a very out-of-line
comment to make, especially considering how much my bathroom
habits bother me. Having overactive bladder is incredibly
uncomfortable and embarrassing, and she hinted at it right
in front of everyone.

It wouldn't be hard for them to put two and two together. I
mean, every time I leave their house, I use the restroom. I
use the bathroom before I leave anywhere to go in a car. I
have to, it has become habitual for me.

I told her that she was out of line. That what she said was
way inappropriate and she headed back upstairs. No one said
anything about it and with any luck no one would have noticed.

However, at this point I was in a bad mood, but
understanding. She'd made a joke, a bad one, but she might
not have realized how sensitive I was about it. Me telling
her she was out of line and way inappropriate seemed to
convey the message though. Now I was just ready to leave.

Mike and Aaron made quick work of the game and I was the
first one out. Dokia came back downstairs and I told her we
were ready to go. Then to my amazement and shock, she says,
again, in a very condescending voice, did you go to the
bathroom? She said it to me like I was a child.

I can't remember the last time I was so angry at a person.

I flicked her off. I'm not proud of it, but I was irate and
couldn't really show it. I don't like to raise my voice.

If she didn't understand me before, that very clearly
conveyed my message. Her look on her face told me she
realized what she did wrong.

I threw on my shoes, grabbed my stuff (but forgot my hat),
and stormed out back, barely saying goodbye to anyone. I
didn't want to use the bathroom at that point because I was
so upset and embarrassed, but I hadn't gone in hours.
Again, when my mind is occupied, it doesn't bother me.

But now I was outside, my mind was very aware of how long it
had been since I last urinated, and I felt like I was going
to burst. I quickly walked to the side of the garage but
there was so much snow I couldn't go there. I had no place
to use the bathroom outside.

Dokia came outside and unlocked the car. I got in and sat
in the passenger seat. She started to talk and I told her
not to. I didn't want to hear what she had to say because
if she tried having a conversation with me at that point I
knew I would only raise my voice at her.

The ride home was not as bad as it could have been. While
thinking about it that much would have surely made it
painful any other time, two things saved me. First, I was
so angry with her I kept thinking about that, which kept my
mind off having to urinate. Second, embarrassing as it was,
I was wearing my adult diaper and if I did have an accident
that would have done its job. I have yet to have to test
the diaper and I am always so afraid someone will find out
about it, but it probably helped greatly last night.

As we approached my apartment, having rode the whole way in
silence, Dokia started to apologize again. She first talked
about how sorry she was, but I was so mad that when she
started to speak again I just said "don't" with a sharp
tone. She stopped talking.

When we got to my apartment and I got out of the car. I
didn't say anything to her, I just slammed the door and
headed in. She sped off.

I couldn't sleep. What's worse, I took the last of my
overactive bladder medicine. I stayed up until after 6 a.m.
watching television. Eventually I fell asleep on the couch,
terrified that I was going to have an accident, even though
I never did, and haven't for at least ten or more years.

She texted me today, to apologize again. When I finally
woke up around 3 p.m. I responded and we talked briefly
through texts. Essentially she apologized very often and
said she realized how much she had betrayed my trust.

She asked for me to give her another chance, even though she
didn't deserve one. In times past I would have eventually
agreed to take her back, but this time I just couldn't agree
so readily.

This is the second time she has broken my trust. The first
time was with my feelings, with my emotions, when she left
me for Daniel, even though it was obvious to everyone what a
mistake it was. This time, she betrayed my secrets.

In some ways I think maybe things would be easier for me if
everyone knew. I mean, if everyone knew I had an overactive
bladder, then maybe there wouldn't be so much pressure on
me. But it is such an embarrassing thing to admit.

I don't want to be known as Ryan, the guy with the
overactive bladder. It is keeping me from looking for a
job, from wanting to go to class, from wanting to take
trips, from doing anything with me life. I'm scared it will
ruin my life and shape who I am as a person, and simply
being afraid that will happen only adds to the problem.

I've never been forced to confront what is happening like I
am now, but a part of me doesn't want to see Mike and
Casinda again. I don't want to see Aaron, Patrick, or
anyone I know through them, who will surely see me different
after my little out burst.

I asked Dokia and she said they thought I was just upset
about losing the game.

I lose that game 75% of the time I play. That I win only
25% of the time shows how good I am at it, but losing is a
part of it. If I got so upset every time I got beat, no one
would want to play with me. It had nothing to do with the
game and I hate the fact they all think I am a sore loser.

I don't know what to do. I like Dokia, and thought that
there might have been a chance for us. But could I honestly
stay with her after all this. I mean, as if the Daniel
thing wasn't bad enough, that she would make light of
something so serious to me?

Yeah, I think she really didn't get how serious it was. If
anything that just shows she hasn't really been listening to
me, not really taking in what I've been saying. I've been
more open to her about it than anyone, even my parents.

Neither Mom or Dad know what is going on. Dad suspects it,
but not the full extent. But Dokia, well, I've told her how
difficult it is for me. She knows I'm taking medicine for
it, knows that I obsessively have to use the bathroom before
I get in the car.

The other day I went grocery shopping with her. I had to
rush around the grocery store because I was so nervous about
having an accident. The more time I spend around her, the
better I was getting. After this, I can't imagine what the
next time will be like.

See here is thing...I'd like to get over this problem. I'd
like to take Dokia up to Winnipeg or Minneapolis and not
have to worry about the bathroom. I'd like to go home with
Dokia and meet her family and see where she grew up. But
while I was getting used to her, she has just gone and made
things far more difficult.

I can't see how I will be in any relationship at this point.
I am watching television and Crocodile Dundee and think it
would be wonderful to do a safari or walkabout in Australia.
But how can I, with this affliction? How can I do any of
these things, until I figure out what is wrong?

So what to do? What to do? What to do? What to do? Do I
take Dokia back? Do I give her another chance? Do I let
her back in, knowing that she doesn't take my problems
seriously? Do I let her back in, knowing that it could be
only week, maybe months, before she gets sick of dealing
with my problems and leaves me again?

I can't say I'd blame her. I mean, really, who wants to be
around a 25-year-old balding, picky eater with an overactive
bladder. Sure I'm smart, but I could be getting kicked out
of school next week for not doing my work...thank God I got
my bachelor's degree.

But she tells me that she cares. She tells me that she
likes me, that she is sorry, and that she wants another

Do I want to change? Of course. I'd kill to have this
problem gone from my life, but for all I know it could take
years, if ever. I'd kill to eat better, but the thought of
eating all those things my step-mother made me eat makes me
want to be sick. What happens if I get sick again? Last
time that happened, I had to eat my own throw up.

I was just a kid. Yeah I was a picky eater, even for a kid,
but having to eat rotten vegetables? Having to eat my own
sick? I didn't deserve that. I didn't deserve Mom getting
so upset at me when I had to go to the bathroom outside the
McDonald's. Being forced to pee in a cup in front of her, I
remember how upset she was at me. How stupid she made me
feel. I remember, the only time Dad ever raised his voice
at me, every grabbed me was when I wet the bed. I can't
remember how old I was, but I was too old to wet the bed.
Still, I remember him grabbing me by the upper arm, pulling
me down the last few stairs. I remember him pointing out
the mattress I tried to hide by flipping, and practically
rubbing my face in it. It wasn't fair.

Do those things have anything to do with what I am feeling
now? The problems I am experiencing as an adult? Maybe.
But they don't have anything to do with Dokia; at least not