potatofingers

times are a changing
2010-02-13 08:29:19 (UTC)

Day 13

Day 13,

So it has been very up and down this whole changing of my
life style. I so miss the social side of smoking, i miss the
friends who use to want to come around every night... now
they always have other plans with other friends... who
smoke. it makes me wonder if thats all i was, when i was
thinking there was more to them? maybe it is for the
better... i dont put myself in a situation where there is
smoking and maybe they are helping me by not inviting me to
a place where smoking will happen. but it means many long
lonely nights, with just me and my thoughts...

I have gone well thou. all things considering to make it to
day 13 with out a slip up is pretty amazing, for me. i know
no one else sees it that way, but it really is an
achievement for me....

I just wish losing weight was as easy as this, unfortunately
this is the real battle. the other silent battle i am
fighting alone. I have been eating well, trying so hard not
to eat shit, not to over eat, not to do all the things i use
to do... and i hope its making a change.. but it doesnt feel
like it... i feel like i am the same fat slob i have always
been... i understand why no guy could possibly like me when
i look at the pictures of me.. it makes ME sick. I am not
who i want to be, i dont look like i want to.. there is
nothing i like about what i see... and i can only hope that
this will change, and that i will one day like what i see...
not the rolls and rolls of fat.

I fear weighing myself... it could only be bad. make me more
depressed than i am already.

but am i depressed or is this just an effect of the not
smoking and having time to think about everything i want for
myself and everything i have failed at...

I wish i was thin.

I guess in life you get dealt a hand of cards, some are good
some are bad. in some ways I have the life people would
envy, i come from money, but money doesnt buy happiness and
i feel like being thin would make things so much better.
like my life would be manageable and enjoyable if i felt
good about myself. i dont. and i dont know if i ever will,
i am so fat. i am so disgusting. and i am the only person i
can blame for these. for these failings. i have nothing
except myself to blame.

i wish when i was 18 i had of chosen the other road. i wish
i chose to do things differently. i was fine then, but i let
myself be taken over by the drug. i let it rule me. and i
let it win. I remember when i use to not go out for a smoke
because i thought it was too many days in a row....

if only things hadnt of changed




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