unsure, scared and silent

life as i see it...
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2010-02-12 06:26:56 (UTC)

Entry Three

Have you ever wondered if maybe, just maybe, the problem is
you? I mean, I know I'm screwed up. I know I don't get along
with my parents and I probably never will. I know I want to
change and stop feeling so horrible. But maybe it's my
fault. I mean, maybe I'm not trying hard enough. Maybe my
attitude isn't good enough. They say a patient's attitude
determines their recovery. So maybe I'm just not trying hard
enough. But every time I try to pull myself out of this
"funk" I just get upset and end up crying alone in my room
or getting frustrated, angry and fed up. I just don't know
what I'm supposed to do anymore. Grrr... it's so frustrating
too. I mean, let's face it, I hate myself and I pretty much
always have. So it's not like I'm helping out a friend, if
that makes sense. Like, a friend I like I would help. But I
guess since I hate myself I just don't care and don't help
myself. I don't know, maybe that's a stupid way to think
about it. I just I could feel better about myself and life
in general. I mean, I've got goals and friends and whatnot.
But if I keep living with the feelings I have I'm never
going to really become anything or anyone. I want to have a
desire, a purpose. I'm tired of always being me. I'm tired
of feeling the way I do. I'm tired of living the life I
live. I want something, not necessarily more, just something
with, I don't know, purpose or substance. I wish I could
just take all my past actions and feelings and just throw
them away. I just want to start from scratch, start anew. I
want to be the person who helps every one and doesn't need
to be helped. I mean, yeah, I help people out all the time,
every chance I get even. But my mentality and emotions are
starting to get in the way of even that. It's screwing with
my health and my social-being. And you know, maybe it's my
fault. Maybe I'm letting it interfere with my normal life.
Maybe I need to just step it up. But you know, it's easier
said than done.
Until next time...