unsure, scared and silent

life as i see it...
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2010-02-10 22:58:10 (UTC)

Entry One

This is my first online diary/journal. I read that someone
started one because she had no one to talk to. I guess
that's my reason for starting one too. It's not really that
I have no one to talk to. I mean, I have a ton of friends
and even an adult that I can talk to. Thing is, I know that
all of those people are there and care about me and would
listen to me gladly, but... most don't understand and the
one that does, I've reached the point where I feel I'm
becoming a burden to her and I'm just afraid of what she
might say to those in higher positions. She really cares a
lot. But she also has a family and her own problems to deal
with. I just feel I'm being a distraction or interruption in
her life. I just don't want to be in her way. That and I've
already had an experience where I told her a lot of things,
things that put her in a bad position. I kinda knew it was
gonna do that to her and I was hesitant to tell her at
first. But it was just one of those things where you let the
issues, like wounds, fester in your mind until they just eat
away at you and you have to tell someone before you
self-destruct. So I told her stuff and that led to my having
to tell others those things. Then I had to talk to a school
counselor. And surprise, surprise... I ended up lying to
that lady. I'm still feeling guilty for that one. See my
issues are serious, life threatening. I think they all stem
from depression, but I'm not 100% sure. My biggest fear with
every thing I'm going through right now, the reason I lied
to the counselor, is that I don't want my parents to ever
find out. I don't want to disappoint them or upset them in
any way. Okay, so let's face it I don't exactly like my
parents most of the time and I don't really like to be
around them, but I still love them, at least I think I do, I
want to. Ugh... it's complicated. My thing is, I would never
want to hurt anyone, not even an enemy. So despite the fact
that I don't exactly like my rents, I still don't want them
to feel like failures as parents. I mean, they aren't
failures. It's not all their fault I'm screwed up. It's
just... it is what it is. Ugh... so anyway, after that whole
having to talk to the counselor thing, I'm afraid, or rather
extremely cautious about what I say to people. I had an
adult to talk to for a while. In fact, I was feeling less
alone. But now... I just don't know anymore. I thought that
maybe I could pick myself back up. You know, snap out it. I
thought maybe the change in semester, a lighter work load,
less stress... I'd just feel better. I think that's what my
adult confidant (I'll call her Angel) was hoping too. But so
far, I just feel like every thing is going south. I feel
like crying all the time. Some things that I thought I
buried have started to resurface. I have like zero energy or
interest in anything. I mean, I'm just tired of being my.
It's like every thing is a contradiction too. I mean, I want
to do things, but I have no interest in doing anything, nor
do I have the energy. It's frustrating.... Well that's all
for now. I have so much more to say, but my mind is all over
the place right now and I can't keep my thoughts straight.
Until next time...

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