A Day in the Life
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2010-02-10 11:10:20 (UTC)


I am stalling. I'm procrastinating. I'm putting things
behind. No, I'm not just talking about my school work, I'm
talking about live in general.

As a 25-year-old guy, I should be moving on to the "adult"
stage of my life. But I'm not. I'm a graduate student,
living on a very very meager wage that I get for editing the
school paper and working as an assistant.

I would like to use this blog as a tool, to assist me as I
try to answer some very serious questions. These questions
can be about anything or anyone, personal or worldly. But
mostly, it will be personal.

I have anxiety disorder, which I honesty and truly believe
is all in my head, though I haven't the faintest idea why.
I've had it since junior high at least, but maybe even
longer. The problem is, my anxiety disorder changes how it
manifests itself over the years, and the latest symptom is
by and far the most inconvenient.

For whatever reason, my brain thinks I have an overactive
bladder. This is a very embarrassing problem that I can't
talk to anyone about, so I need to vent on here. The weird
thing is, I've had my blood, my urine, my prostate, etc.
checked and there is nothing physically wrong with me.
Physically, there is no reason for me to feel like I have to
pee all the time.

There is also evidence in the fact that on a day off, and I
take many, I can sit around my house, watch television, read
or play on the computer, and only need to go to the restroom
three or four times a day. However, on the days I have to
go place, have meetings, class, or other activities with
friends, are the days it bothers me the most. The more
formal the setting, the worse my problem is.

Travel by plane is terrible. I ignore FAA regulations and
have to use the restroom when the seat belt light is on.
Class is difficult. We get a break a little over an hour
into our 2.5 hour class, and holding it for 75 minutes never
used to be a problem for me. Alas, now it is, so much so
that I've skipped my last two classes.

I'm also behind in my work from last semester. There are
two classes that I just didn't finish, and if I don't get
the work finished in those classes, I will flunk out.
Honestly, I should flunk out but I'm in my second year of my
master's program and it would just be very inconvenient for
me to leave now when I'm so close to being finished.

If my mind is distracted and I'm not thinking about having
to go to the bathroom, then I don't have to go. The only
problem is, I worry about it so much that I think about it
all the time, and thus feel like I need to go all the time.
I honestly need to turn that worry-center of my brain off
and I'd be perfectly fine...I've just yet to figure out how
to do that.

I haven't started looking for jobs yet because I'm afraid to
enter the workforce with this problem. I like my job with
the newspaper because I work nights and can leave the office
whenever I want, so there is no pressure to stay, thus no
pressure to want to pee.

It's silly, and I will figure out a way to beat it. I have
had other problems in the past that I have gotten the best
off. When I was in junior high I had a neck twitch. It was
a very obvious twitch that I tried to make look like me
cracking my neck, which I now do often but not so much you'd
notice. I barely ever feel it anymore so that problem is gone.

In my undergrad I started having anxiety attacks, which at
first I thought were heart attacks and was a very scary
period in my life. I even went to the ER one night and they
told my blood pressure was through the roof, which is not
uncommon during a panic attack. I started taking some drugs
and that helped tremendously, but only until a new symptom

I used to get very nauseous and it felt like I was going to
be sick all the time. At the time I was training to teach
in front of a classroom and spending most of my days at a
private school as a TA, so it was a very inconvenient time
for me to feel sick. I got anti-nausea meds though and
eventually beat that one too. In fact, of all my ailments,
that is the only one that quit affecting me all together.

But the bathroom issue, well, that goes back until at least
high school. I remember arguing cases for Mock Trial, and
at some point I just started worrying about having to pee in
the middle of court. Once I started court and my arguments
I forgot all about it and was the best defense attorney in
my state, but that is when I really remember the problem
hitting me hardest. Since then, it waned considerably until
it was still a problem, but only slightly so. As long as I
took frequent bathroom breaks, especially before classes and
meetings, I was for the most part fine.

But this past December is when it really ramped up again. I
remember the night it was worst was when I was going to take
a one hour car ride with four girls to see a show up north
of one of my favorite groups. I really wanted to go but I
was so nervous that I would wet myself that I eventually
thought I would wet myself and had them drop me off at a gas
station and grabbed a cab back home.

I lied about being sick after eating bad peasant so they
wouldn't feel bad, but I haven't been able to see anyone
from that group since. I'm just too embarrassed to look at
them. And ever since that day, almost two months ago, the
bathroom problem has been at an all-time high. My dad
noticed it over break, a little bit. It is something I have
to figure out before I leave school or else I'll never be
able to effectively have a decent job.

So I'm going to use this blog to help me fix that and other
problems. I'm going to write because writing is cathartic
in a way and maybe I can use these logs to find out where my
problem really stems from, or how I can fix it.