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2010-02-10 06:05:32 (UTC)

Jay and Me

i love being with him.
but there is still this flash of things in my mind that are
slowly starting to worry me.
more and more it seems as time goes on.
the age difference.
actually dont bother me at all.
i thought it would but it dont.
the future scares me.
like i dont want to be alone when im in my 40's 50's or 60's
and so on.
but in reality he is 43.
im only 18.
thats not always going to last.
i cant be so naive to think that he is always going to be
here for me.
im out of my mind if i try to believe that.
we talk about everything i love that i can do that with him.
but he still seems like hes holding back and that bothers me.
people think hes babysitting me.
and im starting to feel the same way.
i guess its cause in a way im depending on him at least for
the moment.....
and its driving me insane.
i want things to be 50/50 and it isnt not right now.
i know things take time but its really starting to get to me.
we talk over and over again about it but its just going so
slow i feel like im watching paint dry.
i feel bad for him.
but at the same time i love that i can depend on him.
but i dont want him to feel like im using him?
i think im loosing my mind.
like really.
i wanna get married.
and have a baby.
we have roxy but its really just not the same.
watching roxy sleep in his arms just made me sit and think
how great of a dad he would be, i mean he has shannon and
but their not mine.
that kinda bugs me.
how close his daughters are to my age.
it gets to me every now and then but to be wiht him and have
what we have it makes me so happy it all just seems like a
i can take care of a baby on my own.
but in reality i dont want to when im his age.
i wish he could live forever.
i love how things are now.
and i still have my moments where i dont want a baby.
i just dont know things anymore.
im always starring at him.
i think thats normal.
mabey its just proof im loosing it.
i have my moments where i miss being with people my age.
and talk about getting older.
and looking out at the sunset in ocean city.
i cant share this with my parents. or my friends cause im
constantly defending what i have with jay.
so i dont want to show that i still worry about things.
i just want everyting to work out in the end with him.
i cant take being heartbroken anymore.
moving on is to hard.
i dont even know if i ever did get unhappy if i could tell him.
it would be easier to suck it up.
i just have to make sure that he is always happy.
dont get me wrong i love where i am atm with him.
it couldnt be better.
but at the same time to get to know him better i have to
know more about his moral, life, kids and his list is just
longer than mine obvously hes older than me but some of his
past just hurts to hear.
im not really sure why.
and then the tattoo on him arm.
i see it all the time.
it just sucks.
i think if things do get to tough for me i will just join
the military...
ive been thinking about it so much lately.
it might be good for me.
but for now this is just another chapter in my so called life.
and at the moment im as happy as i could be.
just there will always be that random stuff in the back of
my mind.

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