Starting Over
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2010-02-09 19:47:43 (UTC)

If I update my relationship status...then it'll feel too real.

I need to just say it.
I need to just say the 3 little words that are so hard to say.
I worry if I say them, if I change my Facebook relationship
status...then it'll be real, it'll be a done deal. It'll
flush my hope that he'll come back right down the toilet.

Here we go...

...I. Am. Single.

...I am alone, I am in so much pain. I can't stop crying. I
want to cry but I don't want to give him the satisfaction of
hurting me.

8 years. I've been with him for 8 years. Just for him to
leave me last night, saying "We don't have enough in
common." Really? That's all you can say, after 8 years?

I want to hate him. I want to hate him and cut up his
clothes and break his Xbox and crack his CDs and tear up his
books. But I can't. Because that's not the type of person
that I am. Instead I walk around his things. I ignore them.
I pretend I don't see his things.

But tomorrow I have to go back to work. Somehow. I look
disgusting. My face is all swollen blotchy and red. When I
think I'm done crying, I start all over again. Just when I
think I'll be okay, I tell myself that I'm not so sure I
will be.

But I have to be. I have to find the strength, will, and
determination that's somewhere buried deep inside of me.

I need to stand up, straighten my spine, and face the world.

I don't need him.....Yes I do.