mrdjj12

My thoughts
2010-02-09 07:09:37 (UTC)

What have I done?

I thought I would be happy. I thought this committment
would solve the issues. Now I find myself back in the
same old rut. I dislike my life. I think that people are
jerks. I can't stand to be around anyone but her. But
the whole time I am around her, I am thinking to
myself, "Why did I do it?" I wish I could go back to that
fateful day in November, 2007. We were broken up. I was
out. It was over. All the problems that I had envisioned
for myself would be gone. She was out of my life for two
whole weeks. I was prepared to move on. I was prepared
to find some one else and be happy. But then you sent me
a message out of the blue. What would I do? Should I
talk to you? Should I tell you we can talk in a few
months? That would have been the best option. But
instead, on that fateful day in November 2007, we talked
and decided to work it out. We did and we have except for
the regrets in my mind. Here I am again over two years
later feeling those same regrets that drove us apart
earlier.

I want to go and be free again. I want to live my life
the way I want to. But I can't because I will always be
chained to you. You will never know how I truely feel.
But it will always be there in my mind - The regret I have
for getting back together and getting married.

Those "What if?" questions will creep into our marriage
from time to time. You will never know, but I will. I
will wonder what could have been with the one who got
away. I will always wonder what would have happened if I
had simply said no to the text I got from you asking for a
chance to talk? Life would be completely different. And
I might be happy.

So what now? Do I tell her how I feel? Maybe it would be
for the best. She would have a breakdown and I would be
free. I would ruin her. Do I take the chance at being
alone for the rest of my life? I think I could be ok with
that.

This really is all my fault. Had I just grown some balls
and told her the truth about how I felt back then, all of
this (which hasn't necessarily been bad) could have been
avoided.

That my friend is a pathetic story. I didn't have the
balls to tell her then, I don't have the balls to tell her
now. I will just go about my life - day by day -in a
chosen career path that I very much dislike, with a wife
of whom I will always ask "what if I hadn't?"




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