Erika831

the Secret life of Erika
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2010-02-07 06:07:14 (UTC)

day 1

just sitting there on the way home. thinking about my
life, people, past, future. you know the normal thing.
having that random in mind self convo. wishing i could
understand why i feel the way i do.
i am happy, yes. but also feel no one understands me or
even listens, i mean really listens not the whole aww
whats wrong kinda thing.
with the up coming date i find it hard to believe that a
year has pasted already since i lost him.... the most
important man in my life. my father. to this day i still
wait for him to walk through the door. be at britts when
im there. just to see him again would mean the world to
me. and to make matters worse the same day will also
remind me that it has been three years to the date the my
beautiful sister was taking wrongfully away from us.
still makes me angry to this day that the cops only see
her as a drug using nameless person.
just another body to them.
bastards.....
movies with the family always a fun trip. laughing being
silly.
but the movie dear john. really got me thinking.
why do i love this boy so.
i cry over him i feel so much for him.
and im not even really sure why i do.
is it because he is someone i know so well that i have
known for so long.
he can always make me laugh and we always have fun.
but he is a jerk, a inmuture boy.
he cheats, lies, and always has a sneaking way about him
like he's hiding something.
and its not like he makes any effort when we arent near
each other to be together.
but something about being in his arms with him talking to
me the way he does and looking at me the way he does just
takes my breath away. and he knows it, he uses it. not in
the sex kinda way. just the heart taking and breaking
kinda way.
and then there is jordan.... oh jordan never met the guy
but we have talked for over 6 years. crazy right to feel
so close to someone you've never met?
but we are or well we used to be. just came back into my
life.... well my cell phone life and yet he still leaves
me speachless. with promises of moving here and coming to
see me and our life together....all lies right? well i
cant get that through my head. i believe everyword like
hes the pope or something ha.
you would think by meeting me that im heartless and a
bitch because i do date alot and talk to alot of different
guys.
but its mostly to cover up what im feeling and i date
other guys to try to get over my feelings for other guys.
but guess what? i have a heart and its damaged far past
repair.
but its whatever. who needs love anyway.
ha wish i could believe that.
been through so much yet feel like i havent done anything
with my life.
being raped at the age of 14 and losing almost everyone i
was close to. death seems to be normal in this family.
had my heart broken and cheated on more then i can
remember.
but good things too.
always had a close big happy family.
mother and father are great.
went to college when i was 16.
moved out of the state when i was 17.
moved back had to have my gallbladder removed at the age
of 17.
became a massage therapist at the age of 19. working
paying our familes bills. buying everything my family
needs. and hopefully getting a cruise ship job to better
pay for their bills.
still confused... and still feel like crying for no good
reason..... girls ha.
but im going to bed. work comes sooner then i realize.


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