How much for happy
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2010-02-07 04:06:17 (UTC)

confessions of a young mom

Note: Some of the things that I am about to say, please
dont take the wrong way. I'm using this diary as a place to
vent some of the feelings that I have some of you may be
able to relate to and some of you may not here goes...

So 7 weeks ago I gave birth to a beautfil baby girl at 22.
I should be over joyed and loving every minute of it
right....WRONG!!!!!. I know I may sound stupid, but I
really didnt expect motherhood to be this hard. All the
crying, 2 am feeding and so much more. So doctors tell me
that i am experienceing depression a.k.a baby blues. I kind
of figured that when a couple of days after the baby was
born all I could do was cry almost everyday. Yes they put
me on meds no they have not started working yet. Sometimes
I look at her and I feel so stupid for having unprotected
sex and getting pregnant in the first place. This was a
unplanned pregnacy, but I still should have known better.
Sex no condom = baby. I want nothing more but to have my
old life back. You never really know just how good it feels
to be able to just get up and go as u please until u have a
baby. Then your trapped in the house all day staring at the
same 4 walls. It feels like I am going insane most of the
time. Its the same routine everyday wake up, get myself
together, get the baby together, sit down stairs, and watch
TV. In between that theres crying, diapers, and channel
surfing lol. Yes I have an amazing support system. I live
with my mom and she will watch her so I can go out to the
mall, get my nails done ect, but its just not the same
because I know as soon as I come back into the house I get
slapped with the reality that I am a mother now. I told my
doctor that there are many times I feel no connection what
so ever with my child, its like I like her but do i love
her? It kills me that i even have to ask that question and
makes me sad everytime, because I always wanted a daughter
but not this soon (once again I have no one to blame for
that except me) My doctor says that I am just one of those
parents who doesnt do well with infants. That my connection
will come later when she starts to laugh, sit up, and
crawl. You know being able to understand me better. I think
hes right I can not wait until she starts to crawl and
walk, also sleep through the entire night. The fact that
her father lives in NewYork and that I dumped him before I
found out I was pregnant doesnt help the situation. We just
started having a decent conversation with eachother the
other day. He hasnt seen her yet and said that he would be
down soon so he could. Fingers crossed he doesnt end up
being a dead beat dad. If only life had a rewind botton.

until later,


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