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2010-02-05 05:18:09 (UTC)


So, this is my first entry. Hello, I am me. I wasn't going
to make an introduction but I feel obligated to say
something first so here is me in a nutshell. My name's
Amanda, I'm 22 years old, single, white, female, full time
employee, forever college student, dog owner, constant
thinker. Most likely whatever I write will relate to one of
those parts of me so let's begin.

I feel as if I have just so much on my mind lately that I
could probably write for hours and still not feel that I
have said all that I have wanted to say. I will start with
my first subject on life. It's a simple word, no? To some
people I guess it means being alive (ha), or a soul, or
whatever. I seem to find myself lately just living day by
day. I do the same routine each morning. I wake up, go to
the bathroom, take a shower (a long one I am told haha),
brush my teeth, open Mason's crate, let him lay on the bed
while I dry my hair and get dressed, walk Mason, feed and
give water to Mason, put Mason back in his crate, grab purse
and keys, lock door, get in car, go to work, work, go
home.... you get the picture. I don't feel like I have any
excitement in my life. I feel like at times the fun has
just been almost drained out of me. I almost feel like I am
wasting my life away by always wishing it was the weekend
and once the weekend is here, nothing happens on the
weekend. I stay at home and clean most of the time and
rarely get out and do anything. It's not that I don't want
to or that I can't afford to, I just don't do it. I feel as
if I am just too afraid of getting out there and
experiencing new things. I don't feel like I have a push to
do it anymore. I feel always super paranoid about meeting
new people by being super skeptical of anyone's intentions.
I just want something more out of life. I really miss
being in a relationship to tell you the truth. I think I
just loved being with someone. I did love him but I don't
really know what type of love it was? I know that wasn't a
question, but it makes sense to me. I am afraid I loved the
idea of being with him instead of loving him. He is a great
person and I don't believe I am a bad person myself, but I
believe for some reason we bring out the worst in each
other. I never felt motivated when I was with him and I
felt like I dragged him down. Being with him caused me to
always feel guilty, like I always did something wrong. I am
afraid that is why I am the way I am now. I find something
wrong in someone and I completely shut them out. I don't
give them a second chance, I am not willing to give them a
chance to change. I think I just became SO tired of just
waiting and waiting and waiting for someone to change for me
when really all I did was kept changing who I was as a
person to please someone else. I don't ever want to feel
that way again. I don't ever want to feel like I have to
become something that I am not to make someone who is
miserable completely happy. Why is it that some of us, me
being one in particular, always compromise more than we
should? We let too many things go that should matter to us
and change our standards for a temporary pleasure. It just
doesn't make sense to me. I did it for three and a half
years, but why? Not a day goes by that I don't question
myself about it. I seem to always bring this writing back
to my ex.... this sucks. I find myself still wanting him,
and I don't know why. I almost feel as if if I could go
back to him, it'd be easier. I wouldn't have to get to know
someone new. I wouldn't have to meet a whole new family. I
wouldn't have to have awkward getting-to-know-you moments.
It would just work and we could settle our differences. I
really don't think that is the case. It really sucks
because my head tells me one thing, my heart wants something
else, but my instinct is always neither one of the two. My
head knows I should listen to my instinct, but my heart
wants something else which manipulates the head! It is
rather complicated... but it shouldn't be. I just never can
listen to my instinct. I tend to always want something I
can't have, but a lot of us are like that... not that it
makes the situation any better but it's the truth. I am
really trying to make myself not try and talk to him but I
always want to because I keep thinking it'll be different,
that he will finally have changed, that he will become who
I've wanted him to be. But that's exactly the problem, he's
not who I want him to be. He is not my ideal match, my
ideal guy. He's just accessible and wants to mess around.
Damn I need to stop being an idiot sometimes haha. I see
the same problems I went through with him in other
relationships around me. Maybe not exactly the same, but
little bits of it here and there. Now I am just completely
afraid of trying anything again. I almost would rather be
single for the rest of my life than have to go through
another bad relationship. I was just so blinded by the
whole idea of it all that I completely lost sight of my own
needs and standards. I really hope I do find someone
someday though that I wouldn't have to settle for nor they
would have to settle for me. That we'd be each others match
and it would just fit perfectly. I know nothing is perfect
and relationships take work, but fuck I just want someone
that is compatible!!! It's always the ones you want you
can't have and the ones you can have you don't want. And
another thing about life, specifically my life, I have the
WORST timing of situations more than anyone else I know. I
am given opportunities that I don't take advantage of when I
should and when I want them, they aren't available anymore.
I feel embarrassed, guilty, used, stupid, and I always
regret things for whatever reason I can create. I feel as
if I have vened enough for now and finally feel like I am
tired... until next time friend.

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