june-ber

smiles, kisses and happiness
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2010-02-05 03:50:19 (UTC)

mixed


today started out as usual.. waking up early in the morning to go to school... i
had finals today. yuck!.... i've been staying at J's house ever since winter
intersession started, exactly 1 month. Deciding to stay at his house was a big
leap for me, specially since i moved out of my ex-boyfriends home about six
months ago. it was not an easy decision to move to J's house since after the
horrible breakup with my ex left me all traumatized. non-theless i took a
leap of faith and drove right into disaster lane. I cant say that the first couple
of weeks i have stayed at j's were horrible, on the contrary, they were
awesome. we had plans of getting married, researched a chapel and all. The
thing was that we were making plans without measuring the consequences.. i
have known J for almost two years already and we have been dating for a
year.. i would assume that the decision to get married would not harm him as
much due to the fact that he seemed as excited as i was. also the fact that it
was mostly his idea.

ballons and roses and the whole enchilada, i was planning a big wedding.
WAS...

Last week j and i decided not to go through with the wedding plans.
Reason: serious conversation regarding our emotions.
Outcome: well.... j decided he really doesn't know what he wants in life, does
not know if he is ready to commit to the MR. and MRS. title. since we are in
our early 20s, he does not know, and is unsure if he can see himself with me
in the future as his wife or just his friend.
My Emotions: i was furious!!!! crying!!! devastated!!! hurt!!!! Frustrated!!!


My Dilemma: now that we are over.. literally over... J wants to be really good
friends and still hang out a lot but i cant manage the thought in my head. i
refuse to be just his friend. ugh! no no no why friends?

well, i have to move out now, he wants me to stay in his house and just be
friends, but is he nuts! i feel i cannot do that. i love him so much and i feel
that it is not healthy for me to be staying at his house and just be friends...
my great dilemma is that as of this moment, if i go back to my parents home
it'll be the second time i come home heartbroken, and it'll be the last time i
ever decide to move out with a boyfriends, unless i become miss wedding
belle. i have two choices... stay and satisfy my heart at the moment and try to
work it out as "friends" with J, or move out?


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