muffin

Muffins Life...
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2010-02-05 02:20:04 (UTC)

Emptyness Fills With Pain!

So here i sit.. home from work again. God i hope i dont
loose my job. But last night started a migrain for me. and
it kept up until about 10:30am this morn. But once it went
almost all the way away... i was left not being able to
see or be steady on my feet. I felt very disoriented. Go
figure. So i took a trip to my dr's, came home and did as
i was told to, eat drink and bed for the rest of the day.
I Keep picturing what hes done to me... over and over
again. It went from hurting to just straight pissed at one
point, thats actually the point when i was able to get a
little sleep. He keeps crying and hes sorry.. so he says,
but i have no trust. And the feeling of an empty hole in
my chest. Hes sitting on the phone with my son right now
and hearing him tell my son that its not true he didnt
cheat, just makes me want to reach up and slap him and be
like... "THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I DIDNT WANT TO EVER HAVE TO
GO THRU!!!! MY FAMILY NOW JUDGING YOU!!!" Why waiste my
breath?!?! I dont believe him when he says he cares for
me, and he loves me, How can you leave me here after i
worked all day long, to take care of Nia on my own knowing
i was hungry and wanted a shower, to go be with someone
else? And he seriosly thinks im going to beleive him when
he says he didnt do it. I just feel like when i get better
im more than likely going to end up going to fuck around
myself. I know how i get when im like this. I need
vengence. And because of this, we wont last. I cant even
let him touch me without feeling sick thinking of him
touching her. Such a slap in the face. He was supposed to
be my best friend. My savior... i made him everything. And
little bit by little bit, he slipped into being someone i
never want to know. Just thinking how much i begged him to
come home to me.. spend time with me, and she did nothing
and got what i wanted from him. But he loves me? How can
he say that? And how long will i sit here and let him be
here before i say... i cant anymore.. how long will i let
him use me for? That is exactly it too... a place to live
in the city.. so he wont have to be up in the woods... and
with me he wont be alone. More like living the life hes
had. And why wouldnt he want that? I sat here and let him
walk all over me, i never went anyplace without him only
work... so basically i gave him my life, and spent mine
waaiting for him. Why wouldnt he want that still? Fuck if
i were him i would be here as long as i could to. I dont
know anymore..... i just know that its only just begun
with us now. All trust is lost... and love is so faint..
and Pain controls my every thought and move. I did
everything right.. how can he do this to me? I was
everything he wanted and more.... why wasnt that enough?
Well i guess i need to go find my daughter something to
eat here.. but i had to check in and get some of this out
before it got to be to much again... god knows i have no
friends left to talk to... i gave that up for him also. So
i guess i shoulda never trusted.. i always kept my gaurde
up in every relationship since chuck... right up until
Todd.. and now this happens? I was wrong to think that i
was finally happy and that i met "the right one" And i
never should have let my gaurde down!!!!! God i hate me
right now. I hate him more!!


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