Forever In My Heart

My Memories of You. The Good and The Bad
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2010-02-04 05:27:34 (UTC)

April and May 2008

April in Phoenix was beautiful. I was having a blast with
the new girls I had met and that were going through the
training with me. We were all housed together and spending
each moment around the clock with each other. There was a
3 hour difference in between me and you. I was going to
class for 9 hours a day, 6 days a week. I talked to you at
night for a little, but by the time you got out of work it
was 9 pm my time and I had to be up at 5 am. I had a lot
of studying to do too. There were times when you would
call and I was studying and I would tell you I couldnt
talk then and you would get mad. Its not that I was
blowing you off, I just didnt have the time.

Its early May and my whole class gets based out of JFK in
NY. JFK wasnt so bad for me. An hour and a half from my
moms, and 5 hours from home in Delaware. It could work. I
didnt mind driving. In fact I loved to drive. I get home
around then and I see you. I was glad to see you. But I
also felt detached from you. I kept reliving what had
happened in our past and doubted that we could ever have a
healthy relationship. Breaking away for a few weeks I
realized I could walk away. I just had to decide if I
wanted to. I was only home for a day and a half. It was
enough time to go through some mail, catch up with
everyone and tell them about my trip and training, and
time to head to JFK. We spend the night together, but its
different. I dont know if its me, or us. I just dont feel
the spark we once had. Its so far from gone after
everything. I cant even count the times we had fought.
Thats not the way a relationship should be.

We drift even further apart in my time in New York. I get
a few days off for the first time since before I left and
I come home. I wanted to talk to you. We both knew it
wasnt working. You didnt want to hear it though. I spend
the night out with the girls and enjoying some time at
home. After all the summer was approaching. I run into an
old friend out that night that invited me and a friend
back to their house for a couple drinks since the bar was
closing. We go. Why not, I was trying to have a good time.
You come to my house expecting me to be home. You have a
fit when Im not. You tell my roommate that you were done
with me and just wanted some of your things that you had
left in my room. She lets you in since you had threatened
that if she didnt, you would call the cops.

I come home a little while later. My roommate tells me of
this and I was just like whatever. I hop in bed. Ahh,
sleep in my own bed. Its been sooo long. I missed it. The
next day I spent time at home relaxing and taking care of
things. I went to switch everything from my little going
out purse from last night into my huge regular everyday
bag of crap that I never know if I might need purse. My
badge. I cant find my badge. It was hanging out of my
purse that was sitting on my bed when I went out. My badge
for work. In training they made a big deal of loosing your
badge. Its been a security issue since 9/11. I search
everywhere and cant find it. I know that it was there. Im
not crazy. It was stolen. Would you be so spiteful to do
something like this? Would it doubt me? Not at all.

I confront you about it and you deny it. Why would you do
this? You were aware that this would put my job in
jeopardy and I had just started. I find out through a
friend that you had made a commment that you wish there
was a way to get me fired. You didnt like how things
werent going good, and being apart was making it that much
harder. If I stopped working at the airlines, I would be
home and we would be able to work on things.

This was the last straw for me. Things had gone so badly
in the past, and now you tried putting my job in jeopardy.
I couldnt be around this anymore. And I had already
started making my break away. I was going to be away from
you and this would be a good thing. Time out of delaware
and away from you would be good and give me what I needed
to pull away for good. I didnt want to go back to the on
and off again thing.

I got a lot of shit at work for it. I had to get a police
report made. I couldnt prove it was you because I didnt
see it but I knew it was. If one more thing went wrong, I
was going to get fired. You start off on a probationary
period and it wasnt looking good for me.

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