Muffins Life...
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2010-02-04 02:39:00 (UTC)

Pitiful Life

Ya know... i have never really had it easy in life. I dont
like to complain, lifes what i been handed, and ill play
the hand dealt... i have survived so many things.... and
now i sit here and think. Why? Whats my purpose? I have
the biggest heart, but along with that comes what i used
to call a big anger issue. I always lashed out at stupid
things. Things like spending any time with one guy and
ending up being used or cheated on or beat. Then i found
my ricky... he loved me so much... he took care of me,
protected me. He actually cryed on me one night.. telling
me how he was just scared, never wanted anything bad to
happen to me. Short lived i guess.. After a year of him
dealing with probation and FSU (house arrest) Ricky hit
rock bottom, i pulled him up. And i held him there.. for
as long as i could. Then i went to work one day... at my
break i talked to him for a few minutes... he didnt seem
quite like himself, hurried me off the phone. Its the last
time i heard his voice. He hung himself... and it took me
a couple days to find him... i was one of the only ones
who knew that his missing was more than just him running
off. So as a survivor of suicide my whole life changed, i
changed the way i reacted to everything. People drew their
own conclusions as to why he did what he did... I know and
still do know, i had the perfect relationship with him. It
wasnt me.. it was something he wasnt strong enough to get
thru. So along with that hard ass battle... came a
different me. I met a few people and dated a bit here and
there. Didnt always make the right choices but stopped
being so angry all the time, i saw what that did to my
Ricky. I made a vow to never be that angry person again...
that as long as i had air in my lungs i would be ok. I
cant seem to get this boyfriend thing right anymore. I met
someone 2 years ago.. and i for real.. thought, for a
minute, he may be what was coming for me all along. I had
the perfect relationship once again...dealt one more hand
of Aces. right up until he tore my heart out of my chest
and drove everything i was into the ground. Love hate..
all the same to me right this minute. I cant deal with
this anymore. I just want to know why to god i get dumped
on all the time. Oh dont get me wrong.. the asshole wants
me and wants to make shit work.. but i cant! He drove me
so insane i got angry again..i hit him! I pulled my hair
out, and my chest god so hot it stole my breath away. Ya
see... i always been the one to work and take care of
things. I have tried in the past 6 months to tell him he
has to step up... and help me. After months of trying i
got my job back that i lost at the same time i lost my
Ricky. Very good job... Started back a few weeks ago. And
since then, hes lied.. doesnt ever want to be home. And
last night i found out hes been seing some other girl
while im at work.. and to top it off, i get out of work in
the middle of the night come home to him saying he needs
to run and help a friend... gone the rest of the night. Im
lost.. i cant even find words anymore. Im scared. Im so
scared what im going to do. im loosing a grip of reality.
why? why me? is this as good as it gets. I want to add im
fourty years old.. and im thinking im just done. I have
beautiful kids and a beautiful grandbaby... I keep saying
inside my head.. think of them muff. But when i do... i
realize they dont need me, they already have very grown
lifes.. and i can say that its the only thing i ever did
right. i look at other peopls life, and im so jealous.
twenty plus years happily married. then i look at mine. My
life hung himself in a tree. My heart died that day. And
the one time i brought it back... it got crushed again.
Story of my life. empty, blank

Music tonight... temple of dog- say hello to heaven
Ps. stay tuned, cuz if you read this... and you think your
life sux, ill make a promise that you will feel better
reading this.One sad existance.

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