Forever In My Heart

My Memories of You. The Good and The Bad
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2010-02-03 23:57:55 (UTC)

December 2007

Things had gotten better. We were trying. Sometimes you
seemed more possessive then I would have liked but at
least it wasnt as bad as it had been. We still spend most
of our time as possible together. Winter was nice to just
curl up in bed and watch a movie. We did that a lot. I was
25, you now 26, so we were out of the crazy party bar
scene. Sure here and there we would go out, but for the
most part we liked to stay in. You were talking about
moving to Delaware. You got offered a job there as a
mechanic. You loved cars. You were always taking care of
mine. I never had to ask, you would just be like give me
your keys you need an oil change or this or that. The
stuff that most girls dont pay attention to. It was nice.

Christmas is coming. We are spending it with our families
and then the night together. I've spent every holiday with
my family and my grandmother wasnt getting any younger,
and neither was his grandparents, so we both wanted to be
with them. I would hate to think that I missed what could
have been a family members last christmas. Life can be
short so you have to cherish the moments when you have
them.

It comes and goes, and things are a little on edge. The
holidays were always hard from you. Your father was a hot
head and would stress the holidays and money. You were the
oldest of 3 children. But you were becoming the same way.
I didnt care about presents or anything. Why stress the
holidays? Its a time to be thankful for what you have, not
what you are getting. Its a time to spend with family.
These problems were stressors for your fathers and you and
him butted heads a lot. How everything bad that happened
was always your fault. You told me of times of getting
thrown out of your house around christmas time, and your
dad saying that he hoped you would do drugs and die of an
overdose. Now I'm sure it was something that he said out
of anger. Not that it was right. It most definetly was
not. Times that he would beat you when you were little.
How you were so glad to be out of the house then. That you
got along with your father much better now. Your mother
understood. She saw what your father could be like. You
told me of times where she would leave for weeks at a time
when you were younger because she couldnt be around your
father. She always came back though. But in the mean time,
you had to play the mom role and take care of your longer
siblings. I can imagine how hard it was for you. But now
Im seeing things that you complain about with your father
are things that you are doing. You were a lot like him in
a lot of ways, and I was hoping I wasnt going to be your
mother. Now, dont get me wrong, she is a wonderful woman,
but I didnt sense a happiness in her. They got married
when she was pregnant with you and I never felt that she
wanted to be with him. They were never affectionate or
anything. It was just like they were co-existing together.
No wonder she had left in the past. Had it not been for
the children, I doubt she would have came back at all. I
dont want to end up in a relationship like that. At least
with us, things were going pretty good. Some rough spots,
it happens, that one crazy blow up (not cool), but never
the less, not so bad. Right??

Sure you had said hurtful things to me, when we had gotten
in fights. Ones that you knew would cut to the core and
they did. I couldnt believe that someone could be so
spiteful. I understand getting mad but there were things
that you would say that I would never dream of saying to
someone. Things like "My father would be rolling in his
grave knowing how big of a disappointment I am" or "If you
werent such a slut maybe you wouldnt have gotten raped."
Things I knew that werent true, but still hurt. A lot.
Things that you may think in your head just cause of your
own insecurities or whatever, but never want to hear.

Yes, in my early 20s, I did a lot of partying. Sure I had
a few one night stands and my share of hook ups. Stuff
that Im not proud of. But so did you. In fact you had
slept with more people then I had, but there comes in the
double standard. If a guy does it, its ok. A girl does and
shes a whore.

At this point now, I was out of work too. I was without a
job for the first time in my life since I was 15. So when
you mentioned that I was a disappointment to my father, it
hurt. And it made me think that I was.

Was this what your mother dealt with? You say the most
hurtful things that you can possibly think of, fly off the
handle and then the next day apologize? What was I
thinking? Now sure I grew up without a father. My mother
was a single mother. She had boyfriends for a while here
and there, but there was no real father figure. Was that
my problem? Did I not realize what a healthy relationship
was? Was this healthy? Or was I just a glutton for
punishment? From the stories you told me of your father,
and the signs I had seen, was it going to get worse? Were
you your fathers son, the whole "the apple doesnt fall far
from the tree" thing??

Oh god, I hope it wasnt.


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