Dreams Don't Come True
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2010-02-02 18:54:46 (UTC)


Today was so much better than yesterday. So much better,
until he came into my day of course. :/

I was just doing my normal day, shit like that. In the
middle of first lesson, badminton with Mr Russell (don't
you think it's wrong a man teaching girls? My mum does,
well she did. Now she don't even talk to me) and Caitlin
Case came up to me and said "What did you say to Olly and
Anna outside science yesterday?" and I go "Oh nothing, I
just told him to shut up" and Caitlin goes "Oh right" and
I go "What did they say?" and Caitlin goes "Just "Oh ok
then.." and I go "and then?" and Caitlin goes "Then they
kissed, its really gross when they kiss."

Great convosation there that really made my day. NOT.
Fucking Anna, who does she think she is? Going round
kissing Olly is spite of me because she knows I love him
and she knows it would hurt me and she knew I was
obviously upset. She shouldn't mess with him, ever. I'd
treat him right, I'd treat him so much better. I'd be
anything for him, I'll be his anything, I'll change me,
change my life. Pfft, I already have so much.

Last night I was talking on msn last night to Georgie. I
told her what had happened, about my nervous breakdown
crying fit for 3 hours. And she goes, "I know how you
feel" FUCK DOES SHE KNOW ANYTHING?! No-one knows what its
like to be me to fake a smile every fucking day when I'm
falling apart inside and everyone still expects me to be
ok and then they call me a freak and a weirdo and obsessed
and they all think I'm mental. They all think I'm this
girl on facebook called Tammy Thompson and Chantelle
Morgan which I am not. They added our school network and
everyone thinks its me or a perv. ITS A FUCKING PERV, WHAT
they think it anyway they think it because I made
Charlotte Murs. Okay, I admit that was pretty messed up. I
made up like my alter ego who was married to Olly Murs and
had this little kid called Faith and we were totally in
love and all that jazz and we lived in Essex and I was 24
and my life was perfect, just how I want it to be. Except
I don't want it with Olly Murs, I want to be with my Olly,
my Olly who I love and is sweet and kind and mature and
charming and romantic.

Thats the only reason I started like becoming obsessed
with Olly Murs. He gave me an exuse to write I heart Olly
on my hand and people didnt think I was writing about my
Olly. I could talk about I love Olly in public and people
eavsdrop and bitch about me even more. It let me be me
again, instead of pretending to be some care-free bubble
character. I'm so so so shy really, I'm a quiet kind
person who just wants to be loved. Just by anyone, but no-
ones ever loved me. Never will if my life continues the
way it's going. Did I mention I went to a nightclub and
saw Olly Murs there and met him and got a photo with him
and he kissed me :) Oh yeeah.. your jealous :)

No-one loves me, everyones given up on me. My so
called 'friends' half of them don't want anything to do
with me. They think I'm weird, a freak a depressed little
emo kid that has no life and is obsessed with Olly. And my
own mum chucked me out because she couldn't handle my
panic attacks and my endless crying and violence and
disrespect to her. So now I live with my dad and my step-
mum and step-brother. To be honest it's not to bad living
here, but now I live 2 streets away from Olly, I'm even
more distant for the only thing that keeps me going. Love.
If I didn't have Olly Id've been long gone by now, I
would've really gone all the way last time, last time I
went mental like this. I'm not mental I'm just insecure,
messed up a little, all because of one boy. All because of
you. I love that song. Caitlin got it in my head today.

Anyway after PE in English I think Olly was doing student
receptionist or some other kind of helper becasue he had a
sticker that said his name on. No, he couldn't have been
student receptionist, becasue I saw Lewis and Josh Copley
doing it today. Thats another thing. Now Lewis thinks I'm
raving bonkers and a mental in the head. And there's
nothing I can do to change it, its all about first
impressions. You never get a second chance. If there's one
thing in life I've learnt, its that you never get exactly
what you want and you never get a second chance.

But in English he came in out lesson asking for some
Shakespeare books as our year is studying 'The Tempest'.
And he looked down on me. He always looks down on me, I
know he's 10cm taller than me and all but he looks down at
me like I'm not worth anything like I'm just some little
fly that keeps pestering him and he wished would fuck of.
See I told you he hates me. Why though? I never actually
did anything to him. I just love him, is that a crime?! I
went into crying mode after that. (Fucking teacher just
ignore me and pretend they don't notice when I do that.
They expect it from me.) I wrote a letter to Olly, what I
want him to know, didnt give it to him dont be stupid!

And then in textiles and woodwork today I swear Brandon
kept looking at me. He kept talking to me, come to think
of it he talks to me quite a lot. I've been thinking he
might fancy me for a few weeks now. Maybe? If he asked me
out I don't know what I'd say though, I think I'd probably
say yes, get to know him a bit. See if he's my type and if
he's not gently let him down. I mean he's not the most
attractive, but you could do much worse, like Jack Wilkin,
he fancied me last year :/ Ewwwww.. hes just so fat its
imposible and unnatural even in this day of age. But I
don't really care for looks I care for personality, and
romanticsm :) 3

But I think I'd be scared I'd just be like still loving
Olly, but then if he everything I ever wanted I'd see Olly
as he really is and fall in love with Brandon? I mean I
used to believe everything about him was perfect. But he's
just not he's just some twat. That's how I feel when I'm
angry with him. Then I start to cry and I remember why I
love him.

I wish I was good at keyboard. I think I'll have a little
practice now, I really should do some everyday. I can play
the chorus of '7 Things' by Miley Cyrus but thats it. I've
only had it 2 weeks though so I suppose its not to bad. I
thought I could write my own songs like Taylor Swift,
about boys who you love.. or boy in my case. I wonder what
name I change Drew to in 'Teardrops on my Guitar' ;)

Oh and Peter Andre was in tescos today, I know why tescos?
But Peter Andre was in my village 3 Proud.. weve had a
celeb her :) In the small town of Bar Hill :) Loads of
people skipped school to go see him, I didn't. 1. My dad
would never let me 2. I don't really give a shit about
him. I'm on team Andre all the way if I had to pick but to
be honest I don't really care about the whole thing. Plus
now Katie Price is gettig married to Alew Reid. I wonder
how long that will last.. :) Anyways peace out xx