hannahlovesolly

Dreams Don't Come True
2010-02-02 18:16:17 (UTC)

1.12.10

How can I even begin to explain today? I just can't. It
was all a mess, but nobody wanted to know.

Everything was fine, until break. I got so mad because I
know Anna and Olly will always love eachother they always
have. And then shes so happy going "Oh lardy da, lets
write on my boyfriends wall I love you Oliver, Oh yes
that'd be nice." And then he thinks "Oh how sweet of her
lets write back I love you Anna"

So then I get all these flashbacks of the times he's
talked to me because I was googling my name last night and
it came up with this thing i posted on yahoo answers like
a diary of that day saying how he kept calling me Wolton
and I didnt like it so I hit him and then he goes you so
mad. and then he kept tapping on the shoulder and then
turning round pretending it wasn't him for the rest of the
lesson and I was trying to remember becasue of course this
was way back in 2008, the year I first met him and all.

And then of Mahtabs party when he wasn't even there and I
still had my little flashback of them kissing outside
french. Seriously when I first saw that I just couldnt'
stop staring, I tryed to act cool like I didn't see, like
I didn't care. It couldnt've been further from the truth.
I always pictured me seeing them kiss I'm be just talking
to my friends and then stop suddenly when I saw it. I'd
break down, Nia would help me and tell me I was fine and
to ignore them. But I was alone when it happened. All
alone.

And I just kept talking to myself and then the bell went
to we all had to go to Science and Evie was telling me to
calm down and I was getting madder and madder shouting all
this junk while everyone in the corridor was staring at me
thinking I'm some complete loon whos lost her marbles.

And then in the middle of all that I see him and Anna
outside their science room and then he just goes "Wolton".
He knows he bugs me and he didn't have a care in the world
his life was perfect while he was ruining mine so I just
go "Shut Up, really just shut up, please" And run of. They
both must think I'm even more weird, want nothing to do
with me. He hates me, I know it.

I got up to Science and I was so angry with him, how could
he treat me like that. Laughing and joking at me and still
expect me to fake a smile when I'm falling apart inside
and all I ever wanted was him but no he didn't care.

I just started ripping the paper in my book as if it was
me and then Caitlin kept looking at me so I told her to
fuck of but I didnt mean it I just didnt want to hurt her.
And then I broke Sophies pen and I just kept crying and
the page was getting wetter and wetter and I ripped
through the whole paper in the end. So Mr Gould took me
outside and just left me. There I clung to the wall
whispering to myself "I'm so sorry Olly. Please, give me
another chance. Don't think I'm a freak. Don't think I'm
weird. Be Mine. I'll be your anything. I'll do anything.
Please love me. I love you." And then people in the
corridors were giving me funny looks and then I just
screamed him name. "Olly. I love you, so much. I LOVE
YOU." And then mr gould came down and took me to house
office and then Kay let me out after a while and I got
back to science and I was angry again and then I started
crying and then it started all over again.

And then I had to leave science and Lewis the new guy whos
incredibly fit and I so wanted to make a good first
impression and make him think I'm normal and I'm not just
some depressed weird emo kid. But I think I ruined it
today. He just looked at me and I cryed so hard. And he
was like "What I do?" and Holley was like "Just don't."
And took me to geography and I punched the door and Lewis
oe hates me and thinks I'm some violent crying twat who
has no life.

Then when I got to geography I just started shaking and
crying and I couldnt do any of my work and Mr Grey made me
and Kirstin go outside and I just blurted everything out
to Kirstin. And I mean everything. I've never told anybody
everything. I mean Caitlin knows most of it but not
EVERYTHING. Nobody knows everything. And then I got back
in and my make-up was all over my face so I went to the
toilet to clean myself up and I just looked at myself in
the mirror and punched it. Why can't I be pretty like
Anna? Why can't I be what he wants? Why do I have to be
me? Stupid sad freak weirdo depressed emo kid Hannah? And
then I just broke down into a anxiety attack (I get them a
lot, when I think to deep about Olly) and I must've been
ages because they sent Holley to come find me and I was
alright by the time she got there so nobody knows about
that whole episode..

And then I was fine for a bit and then it was lunch. And
everyone was being really nice to me and then just as I
was getting better guess who comes round the corner? Oh
yes.. Olly. I just couldn't stand for him to see me so
weak and crying so I ran of. He must hate me now. Why do I
always ruin my life?

And then everyone was having lunch. Not me of course.. I
have to skip 2 meals a day so I can get skinnier and be
like Anna. And Hannah just came up to me and was
like "Wolton, you alright?" and I just crumpled and
started crying in her arms. Now she thinks I'm a freak.

And I listened to my Olly playlist on my ipod and when
each song comes up it shows hid picture and the lyrics
were so clear. "I just wanna thnakyou, thankyou from the
bottom of my hear, for all the sleepless nights ad for
tearing me apart. It's gonna be a long way to happy now"

And I just felt so shitty but when he was in my lesson i
was fine. Fucking ironic. I took videos on my ipod of him
just being him, talking to teacher doing his work, being
funny, sweet kind. Just the way I like him, like before
Anna came along, now he just thinks he's so much better
than me. Twat.

I got angry again and on the bus I was fine. And I talked
to Maria on the way home because she's kinda got the same
situation with Andre. But Andre dont have a girlfriend,
Andre tells Maria he loves her, Andre is her friend.
Mine is nowhere near as easy, does he do any of that srap
to reassure me? Fuck no.

Then I just went home to my dad and pretended that nothing
had ever happened. Isn't my life fabulous?


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