Manic

Just Not Out Load
2010-02-01 16:55:01 (UTC)

Disappointment

Today was the day that my calendar suggested that I take my pregnancy test
for my last ovulation cycle. Lately I have been symptomatic and I was hoping
that it wasn't all in my head. I just was so excited about having another baby
that now, to have all those plans shattered is really devastating.

Needless to say the test was negative. I'm trying not to make excuses and just
accept what is likely the facts. I wont be having another baby. I know in a
day or two I'll want to take another test, but my heart doesn't need the
constant reminder that I'm not pregnant. I get my hopes all up and crazy. I
just need to remind myself that it's not a good time, and it's not Gods Will.


Reasons I Don't Need A Baby

1. Prince deserves my full attention in these vital years.
2. I need to make myself healthy or I'll be fat forever
3. I don't need the stress
4. I like sleep
5. Labor was unbearable
6. I enjoy sleep.
7. I don't have room for another baby.
8. I would have to live on the edge of our finances
9. I would have no one to help me with the baby
10. If Matt's not ready, they WE are not read.


Despite all these reasons, I still feel like I've lost something precious. I'm
giving up on a future that we were going to have. I need to focus and Prince.
He's such a blessing. Such a good boy. Such a smart kid. I need to cater to
his needs and not my own. This loss will never go away, but I'm hoping I can
control it with the facts. I have a child to love and take care of. He'll be
smarter and more well rounded without having a sibling this early in his life.




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