potatofingers

times are a changing
2010-01-31 11:32:47 (UTC)

The night before... some truths

My name isnt important… this is about the next month of my
life and me trying to change things around.
As I type this I smoke what I hope to be my last joint or
any form of drug for a month.
I think I have smoked nearly every day for 5 years from
joints to bongs back to joints and the vicious cycle has
just kept running a muck through my life for what I hope now
is enough. And maybe by writing this and talking about the
hardest moments of quitting this time it won’t be another
failed attempt at getting my life back on track.
With all that said, it doesn’t dominate my life anymore like
it once did. It is just part of my daily routine when I get
home from work I light a joint.
The most bizarre thing I find about it is that once smoking
for a long period of time its not even a stoned feeling that
overtakes me, its just a feeling of contentment, which most
people manage to achieve without the aid of a drug. But
weed has been I imagine a large factor in my weight. I
admit that I am very over weight and I believe that the only
chance I have of ever not being overweight like I am is if I
don’t suppress my mood and lose all energy and motivation
through a drug. Hopefully my plans to eat healthy to
exercise and all that will actually happen, I wont be
rushing home always to get high. It really is an evil drug
for something that really is so mellow in its effects on the
body.
As I write this I wonder if this is just going to be another
random file I one day find on my computer when I’m stoned
and bored. I am old enough now to not need this drug in my
life, I don’t have the same issues I was once trying to
avoid, I think I am generally a happy person, my main issue
and gripe in life being my weight.
I hope that with weight loss happiness will come, it does
make sense when I think about what I worry about the
majority of my time. One day soon I hope that I am some
what of the person I once was, I want to be happy for a
photo to be taken of me.
I fear that motivation is going to be what holds me back,
its one thing writing this but it is another getting me out
of the door. It always seems to be late at night when I
have these thoughts, and all that happens is I think of what
I can do tomorrow. I want tomorrow to be TODAY I don’t want
to continue waiting for tomorrow, I need to grab tomorrow
and make it now, I need to stop holding myself back I need
to admit to all of my faults and I need to do something
about them. I need to be loved, but before I can be loved I
have to love myself for who and what I am.
So let us hope on finishing this statement that tomorrow
when I get home from work I go for a walk, I get off my lazy
ass and put all of my desires into action. In the past when
I have stopped smoking I have been able to get the
motivation to walk. Fingers crossed this will become part
of my life.

Drugs are so fun, but they are so bad and at some point YOU
need to be the one to decide to quit. I have quit cigarette
smoking, something said to be much more addictive, I have
also lost a lot of weight before, I can do it. This is
going to be MY month this is going to hold some of the
biggest changes I have ever experienced. Watch over my
Ilana its time that you help guide me down the right path.





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