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2010-01-31 00:38:26 (UTC)


I've decided that I'm going to construct two separate
types of entries: one where I sort of reminisce and ramble
about my unorthodox life, and one where I am going to
recount all the happenings of my day. The latter entries
will be titled with the date. I will not be able to write
everyday, but I will try my utmost best to chronicle
everything that comes at me. These types of writings will
not exemplify any degree of writing skill, as it is just a
retelling, so bear with me. I need an outlet both daily and
in the wide scheme of things.
There is a girl I have known since the eighth grade.
Her name is Erika. She is tall and big-boned, but thin, with
a large, soft face and lovely almond-shaped eyes with the
deepest, most bluest irises I have ever seen on a human. Her
hair is streaked with blond but naturally brown, waving and
curling around her shoulders till it falls just on top of
round breasts. When she smiled, her supple lips stretched
over perfectly straight and even teeth, ones that lacked any
sense of the animalistic incisors that I so prize on people.
Her personality is easy-going yet as potential of becoming
high-strung at the drop of a pin; a troubled family
surrounds her, one with an unloving mother and drunk,
drug-addicted father, but one in which she never complains.
Erika overcomes these odds and is often loving and gentle,
humorous and fun. Her face is even kind.
Erika has always told me that she is my best friend.
And she very well used to live up to that title; always
asking me about my day, always pleasing me, trying to be
there for me even when I told her she did not have to be.
There was always a part of her that loved my attention and
loved to give back that attention. We talked nonstop,
everyday, all day. If ever something random and exciting
happened in our life, we would immediately tell the other
and then revel in the discovery and experience. Her
analyzation of life matched mine in splendour but not in
depth. Still, we got along swimmingly and grew in closeness
until neither of us did not know every infinitesimal thing
about the other.
Out of this, it just so happened that I grew bitter
when she diverged her attention away from me and began
seeking things that matched her. She found a boyfriend; a
disgustingly crooked-teethed thing named Alex, whom I used
to be close friends, whom also was madly enamored with me
and most likely still is. As soon as Erika and he became a
pair, he changed and so did Erika. Alex soon lashed out at
me when I felt I was trying to help, and Erika took his side
in all things, claiming that the reason he did so was
because of a simple "misunderstanding." I was not convinced
and told the boy, in so many words, that I did not give a
damn about his feelings, and that he was drastically
altered, thus, we ended our friendship there. I ended our
friendship there. He has attempted to communicate with me
since, but I have ignored all attempts.
Erika began ditching me and not caring about my
feelings the way she had prior to Alex. Previously, I
thought it was just a phase and thought it had nothing to do
with Alex-- yet I traced her actions back to the exact time
when her and the boy became a pair. Therefore, my rage was
suffused between her and the boy, the former being much more
concentrated and sharp. There seemed to always be something
about her that irked me to the extreme; the way she turned
away from me often, the way she blushed and smiled when she
thought of her mate. Her focus was on all other things
besides myself, and I grew overly jealous. Her mind wandered
so that when we were together, her fingers would attack her
phone, constantly speaking to the boy and ignoring me. So,
as you could imagine, I purposely found methods to annoy her
and start fights, ones in which she appeared to ignore just
the same as she ignored everything else.
There was no passion anymore in her life. She confided
to me this very fact, denying it later when it worked
against her in one of our increasingly frequent arguments. I
started terrible brawls, although they usually never lasted
more than a day. Our friendship almost ended at least
thrice, and is still on a precipitous brink to this day.
I have recently been ditched and forgotten by her. Yet
whenever I try to walk away she sends me dozens of messages
claiming that I am the best thing in her life, the only
thing that keeps her sane. This angers me. I want a reason
to walk away. I want it so bad that I cringe whenever she
tries to play nice with me. Now, she is sending me messages
stating how much I take her for granted. How she acts as my
"doormat" for when I like to rile her up and fight. I do not
understand her anymore, nor do I wish to. I desire God to
send her away so that I might start living again. For an odd
reason, or years of closeness do not niggle at my mind; her
leaving would be a relief in my eyes, if not a joy.
Because of this I have been praying. I want her as a
friend, but I want her to myself, I want her to be as she
used to be back in the good days. But I know that is a
conscentious concept. A dangerous one that will trap me
until I become brave enough to sever what is left of our
God, tell me what to do, for I am drowning in her.