Bellbird

Footprints
2010-01-30 21:57:08 (UTC)

I am my enemy

I'm trying really hard not to write depressing shit in
here. But I feel sad today.
I'm so mixed up!
Why the fuck do my moods rule me?
And why, when I feel like shit can't I stop thinking about
things that make it worse?
Healthy mind...healthy mind...healthy mind!

ARRRRRRGHHHH!
I want to be able to flick a switch and turn bad thoughts
off. I don't want to write about things that make me sad,
but if I'm going to get them out of my head, here is where
I am going to put them. If they're sitting right in front
of me at least I can see what a dick I'm being.

I'm trying to be a normal girlfriend. But I find that I am
moody, cold, and restrictive. Boyfriend will tell
me "that's how YOU feel, that's not what I think." But how
can he NOT think that about me? It's what I am. I don't
want to be like this! How do I cheer my ass up? How do I
believe that I am more than what I see? How do I see
myself the way the people love me see me? It's belief in
myself that I lack. Constant belief. I can think I'm
fucking awesome one day and then hate myself the next.
Manic Depression much?
I figured out yesterday why I wince whenever Boyfriend
tells me I look beautiful. It's because I'm too afraid to
get used to it! Fucking stupid. I know I'm going to regret
that. He said to me yesteday "do you even like it when I
say that to you? You always wince when I say it. I won't
say it anymore if you don't like it" To which I replied
pathetically "I do like it *long pause* it's just..."
Yeah, good answer. I know I'm good looking. So what the
hell is the problem? Seriously? I'm too afraid to get used
to it, because he might leave me sooner or later!
That reallly is a stupid thing to do! Because then I have
wasted the times that he loved me and did tell me I was
beautiful, on being afraid to lap it up!
I have to stop letting my past, determine the rest of my
life. Just because things sucked a few times back in the
day doesn't mean they'll suck now!
ENJOY NOW!
ENJOY NOW!
ENJOY NOW!
I was hurt, yes. Accepted...moving on? Yes, moving on.
I can't keep using it as an excuse to not trust, and let
go. I just can't anymore. I'm sick of myself and my blues.


...I just read some really wise words.
"After struggle there
is always peace, but there is no peace where there is no
struggle."
Is that true? It feels true.
I want peace. Does it count if you struggle with yourself?
Will I, after struggling with myself, eventually find
peace with myself? Well, I guess that's another thing
worth seeking. Peace.

I need to find peace of mind soon because I think I'm
sabotaging my own happiness with my fucked up mind.





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