Letting it out
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2010-01-29 14:07:14 (UTC)

My first entry

Oh so where to begin...I'm Carly, 22 years old, and lost
in life...

I've had a rough go and it seems like everytime I start to
get my shit in order something has to happen and I loose
it all, making me start back at the very beginning! There
is so many things I want from life but I dont know where
to look or how to get them going for myself. I have some
great friends but they dont understand where Im coming
from. I honestly am just lost! Im a highschool drop out, a
former drug addict, who still uses sometimes but wont ever
actually admit that I have a problem because
its "recreational" or not my poison of choice that Im
using at the time...I just dont know...and then theres the
living situation...Im staying at my "best friend/family"
house and I feel like Ive worn out my welcome...Im
currently unemployed and have nothing going for myself.

I dont really know how this works, I dont know if people
can read this and respond or if its just meant to be a
vent...I dont know what I want out of writting on here
other than to just get it off my chest to an unbias well

I have the best intentions for life but I dont have the
drive to get the things I want done. I want more than
anything to be able to turn back time and re-do
everything...take the oppertunity to listen to my parents
adn stay in school, not date some of the guys I was warned
about...have more self respect, not do drugs, well you get
the idea!

At the moment Im going through yet another rough bit...I
recently fell for a guy I shouldnt have, quit my job, lost
my home, have bills pilled up higher than I can handel,
have been fighting non stop with people who are suppose to
be closest to me, started doing drugs by myself again (but
tell myself I dont have a problem), and well the list
keeps going and going.

I dont know what I can do to make things better for
myself. I want to go back to school for Nursing Unit
Clerk, but I dont want to have to get my GED first, Im
always looking for the easy way out. For the short cut! I
know that its not the way it should be but its what I
do...I think I need to suck it up and just go do it but
its so hard...where Im living the people are always up
late, and making noise and having people over, they work
late hours and from home so its not like I can ask them to
keep it down or anything...not to mention that Im staying
here free of rent and my food is paid for by them. I love
them so much and am so thankful but at the same time I
dont know if its helping me or hurting me being
here...they want the best for me but they dont know what
Im going one does because Im not honest with
anyone about it....I dont even know if Im honest with
myself half the time so how am I suppose to be able to
tell someone else whats going on in my head if I dont know
myself? How am I suppose to get help if I dont know what I
need help with? How am I suppose to have the drive to want
to better myself if Im always letting myself down? How am
I suppose to feel good about myself when I feel like
nobody wants me?

I feel like Im sitting at a crossroad, and I dont know
which way I want to go, should I turn to the right and get
back into school? I know in the long run that would be the
best thing for me...or should I turn to the left and go
get myself a new joob that pays just enough to get by...or
shouuld I go straight and keep going down the road Ive
been on for so long because its what I know? I feel so bad
for myself and I know I shouldnt I know there are people
who have it so much worse for themselves but Im constantly
feeling sorry for I selfish?

Well I think this is where Im going to finish my first
entry...I dont know what else to say at the moment...I
hope this helps, I hope getting it out makes it easier...

Till next time...


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