Unrequited Lover

2010-01-28 01:10:32 (UTC)


My first entry. Wow. I have so many things I am aking to
tell, and have no one to hear me. That is why I have started
this diary. To open my soul to people I don't know. Quite
pathetic, really. Because I do have people around me who are
willing to give me a shoulder to cry on. But I am just not
ready to open up, and find mysel facing judgment. That is
why you find me here, talking fearlessly, knowing that I can
say whatever is on my mind, without hurting people's
feelings or having them find me stupid or weird. That is the
biggest reason I am blogging. Because I hate having people
judging me. And here, in a private place that is at the same
time public, I have the power to speak my mind without
taking no one's opinions into consideration. Because you
don't know me, and if you happen to, I don't think you'll
ever realise it's me.
What can I say? I am in love. I love someone. And that, god,
hurts me terribly. I'm in love with my best friend. I have
loved him always, since I was two,but have only recently
realized how I really feel about him. How I feel like I am
meeting him for the very first time every time I see him,
how my heart skips a beat every time he speaks my name, how
I loose my breath when he tells me he loves me, even though
I know he doesn't mean it they way I wished he would.
I know he is not perfect. He is not the walking check list
many girls are looking for, and he is not Prince Charming,
though I am sure they are close relatives.
He makes me laugh. A lot. He can run to my place in the
middle of the night when I'm crying, and tell me it will all
be OK. He can make me understand anything. He is so smart.
He is the most intelligent guy I have ever seen. If someone
ever hurts me, he is filled with rage. He once beated his
best friend because he had been tossing paper at me, simply
kidding, during class. He calls me his sister. And when he
says so, I fake a smile, because he thinks I am happy to
hear that. That I am happy with out bond. But he doesn't
know my heart breaks every time he calls me his sister, his
cousin, his best friend and only confident. I have heard him
for hours on the phone talking about other girls who are
hurting him, while his words hurt me, and he always finishes
with an "oh, I'm so glad you were there to listen to me. I
love having you around during these times." And I cry when
we hang up, because we'll never be. We were once going for a
walk, and I commented how one of our friends was planning to
dye her hair black. He smiled and said: "That would be as
weird as me kissing you. You don't make out with your
sister." I had to laugh. He would've noticed how I was
crying inside if I hadn't done so.
I know everything about him. He says I'm his psychologist. I
am his ear, I listen to every thing he has to tell me. He
always asks whether I have something I want to tell him. I
always answer no. Because the only words I want to tell him
are I love you. And if I tell him how I feel, our friendship
might be over. And I can't afford losing it. Not him. I need
him as I need air.

Thank you for reading,
Unrequited Lover