Goos2134

Craigs Mind
2010-01-28 01:08:45 (UTC)

what i dont understand

what i dont understand through all of this is how much life
hurts sometimes. its suposed to be happy and fun. u get to a
point where u have a family cars homes and a good life.
whatever the reason maybe it all comes crashing down. im
sitting here at a crossroads i worked for almost 10 years to
have good credit and a chance at a good life and boom in one
month its is ruined. im sitting on a house i cant afford
bills i cant afford. if i make no commission im still like
150 bucks short of paying the bills yet alone buy food or
gas. i dunno what to do. our lives were so intertwined.
although she thinks she will be fine. i know hes not working
she wouldnt just say yes he has a job and today she didnt
even come home so i know he doesnt have a job. i also pretty
sure hes living with her cuz shes never rebuted that. so
therefore shes gotta pay her bills and at some point prolly
his. and i really think its shitty if he is moving in he
hasn't help pay for anything for the apartment what a low
life. but thats her mess in 3 or 4 months hes still
unemployeed and shes paying 2 peoples bills she will be in a
way worse situation then me and her were ever finacially.
everyone has tried to show her and tell her the warning
signs and his past behaviors but shes blind right now. it is
a classic depression bi polar kind of thing. im so happy i
love this he makes me so happy oh no im not so happy im
really not happy gotta be my situation im leaving meet new
guy oh im so happy its a patern just like her jobs. loves
them at first then hates them. im very worried about her.
she has to learn her own lessons. whether i woke up to late
to fix me and her or not his involvment in putting her a
high state didnt help. so i wish her the best with what shes
doing but i know that things will come out. she says how
could be a racist he didnt like his siter dateing black guys
cuz she refuses to date white guys. well thats kind of a
backhanded im not gonna say im racist but i hate that she
dates black guys. marc i work with claims hes not racist but
everything is black peoples faults. i also found it funny
hes a fan of protect marriage keep it between a man and a
woman which is not jordans beliefs at all, but gays cant get
married cuz it ruins marriage but breaking one up is ok
????? i really hope we can make this work with carter cuz
ultimately hes the most important thing in this. and there
is no reason we cant be civil and work it all out. i
personally think for me to make shes gonna have to pay some
sorta child support for awhile but i will talk with her
about that at a later time. ultimately im sad that im not
gonna have her in my life. she made me smile and i love her.
i think about her everyday even through this. all i think
about it is when she was happy. i truely believe we could
have been happy but she let something come between it. and
as much as it will hurt i dont know if there is a coming
back from this. i have been shot and stabbed mentally by her
over and over. it was like i know im hurting him but i have
to cuz it makes it easier for me. i really hope this never
happenes to her. cuz she will then understand the pain and
sorrow i have gone through. the tears i have shed and the
thoughts i have had. i love life i love myself but at least
5 times i have seriously considered killing myself. it would
be so much easier. nothing to worry about not having to see
her with him breaking my heart. but then i look at a picture
of carter and i know it will all be ok at some point. but i
have been close i have set here at least 3 times with
medicine and ready to take it. but once again i cant do that
to my lil man cuz hes gonna need me. hopefully im able to
get out of this house and up to akron where i have family
and friends and support on a regular basis. and sometime i
will meet a girl and i will be whole again. drinks with
michelle was nice we just talked about everything my
problems her problems with her ex and her problems with
herself. shes got depression issues but shes in councaling
and takeing medicine to help deal with it. i really dont
think im ready to date so i doubt anything will happen but
it was nice to just have someone to talk to that wasnt my
normal dude resoponces of fuck it get over it bang some
chicks u will be ok. cuz honestly thats not what will make
me happy right now. what would make me happy is jordan
climbing into bed one saying shes sorry for everything and
us makeing love one last time so we leave with some sorta
bond. its not the sex i want its the last bit of intamacy
with her. cuz right now i feel that our lives together have
ment nothing to her. she didnt even take any of our photos.
which really hurts. i was almost a quarter of her life. it
hurts. all in all one day i will be happy. i have a plan im
gonna start working out again to relieve some stress im
gonna move to terrys and im gonna go to school so i can get
out on my own again. and be able to provide for me and
carter. i imagine sunday will be the hardest day i have ever
had knowing shes not ever coming home again. she doesnt know
that feeling cuz shes diluted her self and her feelings with
someone knew she wont ever know what its like to sit in an
empty house and know the person u love is not coming home
and is in bed with someone else. mainly cuz shes afraid of
that. but she will never know how that feels and honestly
its the worst feeling ever. whether she wanted to be here or
not she was and it was something. reason i still hold her at
night cuz i just long for what we used to have. well anyways
im gonna wuit bitching like a girl. one last thing she said
the other night me and her fell in love quick i have a
pretty good memory and i know it was like 2 months into and
we didnt live together for like 4 or 5 quick yes. i know
this but i know i wasnt desperate at the time. i knew i
wanted a relationship but i wanted to find someone i was
happy with and that was her. granted our early relationship
was rough which i dont think she remebers and it was mainly
cuz it did move so fast. had we been slower and i even
remeber a month or 2 into her saying it was going so quick
that she was wierded out. so i say this today look at where
we ended up and know that what is happening will end up the
same way. is history is not studied it is doomed to be
repeated and we have already discussed the patern issues. so
i have to let go but it will kill a lil piece of me but
hopefully if she ever needs a shoulder to cry on she will
call cuz i will always care about her and love her. im gonna
go watch tv. oooot




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