PetalsInTheWind

In the Trail of the Wind
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2010-01-24 22:19:45 (UTC)

I feel so alone today....

It seems that as each day goes by, it gets harder and
harder to deal with the pain from my attack on Friday... I
still hear their voices.. They called my body ugly, yet
somehow still used it for their own needs. My rib is
cracked from where they threw me against the table. My hand
is broken from some point during the attack, probably when
I landed on it. I am so bruised and ugly. I can't go out of
my room, I hate the look my family gives me. My grandpa is
getting better, but they all seem ready to move on with
life as if it never happened. I can't do that. I have been
haunted by flashbacks and triggers and nightmares all
weekend. I posted on AS as soon as I could about the
attack, and it helped me to stop from harming myself, but I
still feel the pain as raw as when I was taken away from my
father. I feel the shame a hot iron in my chest, as if I
was standing in front of the courtroom trying to talk about
my abuse again. I feel everywhere I look, there is a
memory, something to remind me I'm not ok. And the pain
seems never ending. No sooner do I deal with one issue that
another arises. My mother, my rape, my abuse, my memories,
my sister, the baby, the possibility of pregnancy, my
father, my grandparents, the nightmares, the not eating,
the headaches, the pain in my rib, the dizziness, the
nausea... The list goes on and on... and I can complain
about it and still have to deal with it or keep quiet, and
I choose to keep silent. I'm such a burden on others
already. I am so helpless and hopeless.. I have no future,
I am just drifting, hoping life will land me somewhere
where I can cower down and pretend I belong. I feel like
I'm going crazy. I can't eat, can't sleep, it hurts to
breathe.... I'm so overwhelmed and I am drowning in my
pain.. I hate wallowing in self-pity, but I just can't move
on. I'm so lost. I fell off the path and now I can't find
it again. I don't think I'll ever heal. The reality is too
real. I am used, and scarred, and ugly. I am scared and
skittish and selfish, and no man will ever want me. I want
to be able to be strong, to move past my pain and help
others, but I can't. I just can't. I'm so useless! There is
no purpose for me here, yet I can't give up like my mother.
Death is easy, life is hard. And I will just have to tough
it out, cause I WON'T take the easy way out, I won't! I'm
still breathing, still alive.... Even if I exist only to
serve others, that is good enough for me.... I just want
someone to be happy I exist. My family would have been
better off if I was never found. I don't know how to do
this! I grew up an animal, I don't know how to be human!
I'm just a bomb waiting to explode and hurt someone. I
never say the right thing, never can get close to
anyone.... As soon as I do, I'll hurt them or they will
hurt me. I am so ashamed of my past and so scared of my
future. I am triggered by everything and can't pretend to
be ok anymore. I try.. I used to be a good actor, but my
ability was dimished on Friday when I was hurt again. What
am I good for? Who even wants me here? Why am I here? Why,
why, why?! I wish my mother had gotten that abortion she
had made the appointment for....


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